Or, more appropriately, my constant failure of greeting people the right way. Some people, or perhaps it’s everyone, seem to rely a lot on first impressions. I try to be polite, sometimes even shaking hands with the person I’m meeting, but lately I’ve been wondering if that’s the wrong way to go about it.
You see, when I reluctantly shake someone’s hand when I meet them the first time it is, at least in my experience, much more likely that they’ll try and shake my hand again later and that makes me feel so awkward.
I told them, because these days I always tell people when I meet them, that I don’t do handshakes because I have a hard time with physical contact. They usually smile a half smile back and say that it’s fine, only to try and shake my hand later when I have to leave like I never said anything at all about it. At this point I’m very aware that I already told them, and explained more thoroughly than probably was necessary, that I don’t like handshakes, so I feel like mentioning it again would be somehow rude or like pointing out mistakes they make.
In my experience, neurotypicals don’t handle it well when you point out a mistake they made or when they don’t know something. I learned that the hard way while growing up and since I was little, I’ve tried to ignore it when others make mistakes or when they seem wilfully ignorant about the world around them.
It’s not like I’m all-knowing either, I make mistakes and there are plenty of things I don’t know and yes, occasionally I too can get defensive and upset when people point out my mistakes. I know I do this and try my very best not to, because I don’t want to be a perfectionist. I want to be okay with making mistakes and messing up – I do a lot of it, so I don’t know why I’ve not gotten used to it already.
I don’t want people to get upset or sad because of something I do, so when someone tries to shake my hand I often get stressed and confused, especially if I already told them I don’t like it.
When I say that I don’t like it, well, it’s the understatement of the year. I absolutely hate it. It’s one of the things I hate most about social interaction.
As you may know, I had shoulder surgery last year and even before that I had to go to physiotherapy, but of course that means I have to let someone touch my shoulder and arm, moving it in odd directions to check the mobility.
I dislike it very much, but for almost two years now it’s not been too big of an issue. I tell the physiotherapist about my condition aka my autism, I spend too long explaining what autism is and what that means to me and when interacting with me, and then it feels like I spend the next couple of months trying to convince them autism is a real thing and that I’m not making it up. It works fine.
I had to change physiotherapists, though, because my treatment was moved from the Hospital to one of the several local clinics in my area, which I thought might be a good thing because I didn’t really like the physiotherapist I had at the hospital. She let me do the exercises almost without touching me, but she just didn’t understand that I don’t feel my body, including pain, like others do. Perhaps I should do a post on that soon?
Anyway, I talked with the clinic on the phone and they promised me that I only had to go to this one clinic in a really far away place once and then I’d be able to go to the local clinic near my house. I prefer that because I have a hard time with some public transportation and no drivers license, so getting to the place was pretty hellish. I got there and met my new physiotherapist and when I had to greet him my brain shut down.
I have been refusing handshakes for a long time, but he was so very insistent on the handshake that I felt ashamed of myself and afraid to hurt him and greeted him with a regular handshake. I then proceeded to explaining my autism, but I doubt he understood anything. I felt increasingly afraid and worried because he didn’t get it and thus explained even more which only seemed to confuse him.
Then he tested my shoulders mobility, but it was too much touching for me and within minutes I was so freaked out that I completely shut down.
I do this sometimes. I close off from the world and just do whatever I’m asked. I even gave him a handshake when I left because I was so out of it I hardly knew what was happening. After that, I was in bed and felt sick for days. Over the weekend I had been so tense and stressed that I had a migraine, something I don’t have that often anymore, and last night I fell asleep only to wake up in the middle of the night. I lay in bed, too tired to move and too afraid to sleep. I knew I had to go back and just wanted the night to never end.
I had to see my physiotherapist again today. I saw him this morning and going there I made a decision. I would be honest and tell him how horrible I had felt and explain about my autism as I would explain it to a child. So, when I met him again I bluntly refused to shake his hand even though I was terrified he’d get either hurt or angry.
I think it was the right decision. It’s like refusing the first time surprises people so much it’s difficult to forget later.
You wouldn’t believe how many people have tried to convince me to ‘‘learn to shake hands, because it makes me seem weird when I don’t’’. I don’t want to do that; I want to be true to myself and if people think I’m weird – that’s fine with me.
The amount of fear and stress that comes from something I can so easily avoid makes me feel ridiculous. If someone doesn’t want to know me just because I can’t shake hands, then honestly, I don’t think I want to know them either.
Touch is something that I always felt confused by. I know I don’t like touch, so all physical contact feels gross to me. You know what the worst part is though? The thoughts in my head whenever someone touches me even by accident. I can be on the train or in the street when someone bump into me, it can be a friend putting a hand on my shoulder or even my physiotherapist.
I don’t know what acceptable contact is. Is that hand on my arm inappropriate or not? Will they get angry because I make a big deal out of something normal? Will they be hurt because they feel like I’m unreasonable?
I worry about this every time someone touches me. I hate it and all touch feel inappropriate to me, but neurotypicals seem to rely on touch as a way of conveying things like emotional support. Some apparently feel comforted when a friend hugs them or put a hand on their shoulder. I never got it, but I’ve been told a lot that this is true.
A few years back there was this old man in a class I was taking. He took a liking to me and started buying me coffee in the morning. I thought he was just a lonely, nice old man and talked with him and kept him company when everyone else avoided him. He seemed friendly and I know what it feels like when everyone avoids you because you are different.
I’m bad at judging people’s character, that’s hardly a secret. I can’t read people and I tend to always naively look for the best in people. Turns out I had completely misjudged Mr. Gropy, and I am pretty sure I don’t have to explain why this is the nickname I’ve chosen for him.
He started following me around all day, wanting to pay for everything and offering me work and stuff like that. With more and more confidence he started putting a hand on my back, my arm or my shoulder. His hands grew ever more daring just as I grew ever more disgusted and afraid. Suddenly I understood why all the other girls avoided Mr. Gropy like the plague. I asked them for advice, and they told me just to avoid him.
You see, when it started, I just didn’t know. Was that hand on my shoulder normal? What if I didn’t like it? Was I allowed to complain? Did I just imagine it? Was I being silly? Did people do this all the time? It wasn’t until someone asked me if I was alright because they noticed my childlike fear of the old man that I realised it was okay to stop it.
I was terrified and I desperately turned to the other people in the class and luckily a few guys helped me out. They could see the fear plain in my face, I am ashamed to say I don’t always hide my feelings well, and they started hanging out with me and thus blocking old Mr. Gropy’s advances.
I never said anything directly, because I was afraid how he would react and, in spite of the other guys’ assurances, I still didn’t feel like I was right. I couldn’t shake the feeling that was being overly sensitive or maybe even imagining things.
The most aggressive thing I ever did in this case was very publicly making sure every saw that I was buying my own coffee and rejecting Mr. Gropy’s coffee when he came over with it. In the end, that made him stop buying me coffee because me sitting with two mugs every morning was just silly. At least, I tell myself that I made him stop buying me things that way. I’m not sure, to be honest.
So, my point is, now I’ve decided not to accept things like that. When I went to see my physiotherapist today, I decided that it doesn’t matter if I’m being sensitive or silly. I don’t like it, so they shouldn’t do it. I refused shaking his hand, explained things and now I feel a lot better. He was clearly affected, but I don’t care. It’s not some great personal offence, it is me refusing to feel violated again. It doesn’t matter if it’s normal for others, if I feel violated then I need to make that clear.
Why should I feel violated just so that I don’t risk hurting someone’s feelings or angering them? It’s not fair and it shouldn’t be. Better to be clear from the beginning, making sure people understand that physical contact is not acceptable with me because it makes me feel horrible. If someone like a doctor or a physiotherapist needs to touch me, then I want to always make it clear that they need to describe what they need to do and ask me if it’s okay.
This was the first time I ever demanded to be treated the way I feel I deserve, but it can’t be the last.
