Hi guys!
It’s been a while since I posted anything. I had a lot to deal with and because of that I’ve decided that it was time to make some major changes to my life.
My blog is a big part of my life, but for a while I’ve been stressed about posting regularly, not to mention many other aspects of blogging – all of which aren’t really about the writing itself.
Back when I started it wasn’t a problem. I wrote many posts every week and I was happy simply doing that. It was all new and exciting and no one could tell me whether what I did was right or wrong.
Now, it’s just not possible. In fact, even before I had my shoulder surgery it was difficult for me. Not because I have nothing left to say – quite the opposite. I have more than ever that I want to write about. The problem is that a lot of other things happened. I can’t spend every second of my life writing no matter how much I would like that.
I’ve been looking for a job for a while and I’ve had to re-think my approach to job hunting several times. It’s harder than you think for people like me. Unless… well, considering the fact that you are reading this, maybe you do know just how difficult it can be.
We shouldn’t care about what others think, but it can be hard to ignore their words and expectations, spoken or unspoken.
Why can’t I just get a job?
The worst part is, people often don’t understand why I can’t just get a job – any job. I’ve been unemployed since I graduated and one of these days I’ll tell you all about it. It’s been three long years of constant rejection – yeah, it doesn’t do wonders for ones feeling of self-worth.
My grandmother passed away and it hurt more intensely than I could ever have imagined. Today is her birthday.
My grandfather got sick too and he’s been going regularly to the hospital getting tested for cancer, and even though he’s physically better now, he is so exhausted from the surgeries and the treatments that he is far from the man he used to be. It’s like they sucked all the happiness out of him.
My shoulder got worse and in August I had surgery, and even though it was successful, I got frozen shoulder afterwards and I’m still struggling with it even as I write these words. Moving my fingers over the keys is constantly painful, but not writing feels even worse.
My financial situation is not great either and nothing can mess with your head than lack of money. Of course, this is hardly a surprise considering my lengthy unemployment.
I guess life happened.
So much happened and it feels impossible to write it all here, but that’s life, right? It just happens and sometimes it’s like everything is moving too fast for us to keep up.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want, who I am and who I used to be. I’ll write more about this in a post soon because I started writing and it became it’s own thing- not just a part of this update. So, I decided to remove it and share it with you at a later date.
I want to write my way.
That’s what I ended up with in the end.
Some would say that’s arrogant. Some would say it’s the only way. Again others say I’ll never get successful if I don’t write in the way that is recommended. That there’s just one particular way of writing, one length a blog post should have, rules that ought to be followed and that we should only ever write in our native language (My first language is not English, obviously. Yet, I prefer to write in English).
Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong.
It doesn’t really matter.
I would say writing my way is what makes me happy and whether I’m successful or not is not what’s really important.
I write because I need to write, because I love it and hate it and can’t imagine my life without it.
I write to understand myself.
I write for me and to stay sane.
I write for you.
I write to you. You, my reader, my friend and my confidant.
I write so that you may know that you are not alone. I write so that you can hear my story and maybe learn from my life, my mistakes and my triumphs. I write to make you understand me and people like me, whether you are like me or not doesn’t matter. Those of us who are like us, we need to understand ourselves just like we crave the understanding and acceptance of others.
We want to and we need to love ourselves as we are just like need to be loved by others.
We are not alone and we should never believe that we are. I want us to break free from all the masks we hide beneath and be true to ourselves and those around us. I don’t write to get money or success or fame. Of course money and success would be great, but it’s not the goal. It never was.
I thought my writing only mattered if I could reach as many people as possible with my blog – with my words – but that’s not right. If only one person ever reads this blog and gains something from it, then it was worth it.
To write with anyone else’s voice is the exact opposite of what I need or want. I need to use my voice, my way, when I do this. If not, then I am simply doing what I tell you not to do. I am creating yet another mask and hiding somewhere deep behind it.
Creating masks suited for any opportunity comes so naturally to me that I don’t even notice when it happens. Or, more appropriately, I didn’t notice it. Now I’ve finally started to see it.
Now I know I have to be careful not to create new masks, because I might hide behind my masks without noticing every time something uncomfortable happens in my life or whenever I feel unequal to the task before me.
What does this mean to my blog?
When I write I have long periods of extreme productivity followed by bursts of complete inactivity. If I am having a ‘bad day’ it is almost impossible for me, even if I have a post scheduled for publication, to do even the little things that are required of me.
I told you once that I have come to respect my bad days, but if I continue like this I wouldn’t be. So, I started worrying. My blog somehow became a reminder of my own uselessness.
So, I’m going to do this my way. I love writing and I love my blog and I won’t stop. I just won’t publish on a schedule anymore.
Some weeks I might not publish any posts and other weeks I may publish more posts than there are days in the week.
If you want to keep up and read my posts you still can. I’ll tell you on Twitter, Tumblr and when I have a couple of new posts I’ll send you a newsletter if you have signed up. You can do that on the bottom of this page.
I hope you’ll continue to read and enjoy my posts and I look forward to hear about your opinions and experiences. Let me know either by this contact form or on social media.
Happy New Year!
