Life was just a lot easier before I had to grow up. I am not saying being an adult doesn’t have its benefits, such as having complete responsibility over our own life and the choices we make. It’s just, being a child also had a lot of benefits and not just of the “I see a jar of cookies and I will now eat all of them” variety. When I was a child I didn’t need to take responsibility for my own life or the choices I made. I went to school because I was told by my mum that I had to go to school and I was allowed to hate every minute of it. Now, I go to work to pay my bills every month and I am not allowed to hate it, because it was my choice to get this job.
Actually, even today if I see a jar of cookies and decide to eat all of them, I will ignore the consequences and eat them all. Maybe things didn’t really change that much, only now I can’t blame my parents when my life sucks – I can only blame myself, which is a lot less satisfying.
Well, again, to be honest, that’s not how it was. I never blamed my parents for anything, but somehow just having the option made me feel better.
I know just how lucky I was with my parents and I know that blaming anyone for my messed up life – whether me or my parents – would not make me feel better. Not only that, my life is not at all as messed up as it used to be. Why? Because I have grown up and become a responsible adult human being – or at least I have grown up enough to start pretending to be one, which is sort of the same thing really.
I work five days a week, I bring my lunch with me and eat together with my colleagues in the cafeteria, I go get coffee and small-talk by the coffee maker (I know, right? Small-talk. So adult-like), I sit in meetings and try to focus on the words that are coming out of people’s mouths instead of fidgeting in my chair because all meetings rooms have these horrible chairs meant to make one stay awake during the before mentioned long meetings, and sometimes I stay and have a beer on Fridays and try to be social and friendly and… well, I guess, all in all, I pretend to be normal. Of course they all think I am… eccentric? Maybe? But in the broadest sense of the word I am pretty sure they think I am normal-ish.
Why do I do this?
I have to commute about three hours every day, I have to always prepare lunches and do all the normal stuff, like cleaning the dishes and studying and other stuff as well. That means, even if I didn’t try to be one of them I would still have very little time everyday to do things I enjoy and doing all this makes me more tired and drained and makes it even less likely I’ll spend my free time doing something I love. Like writing. I miss this so much.
If, one day, I could spend my days writing and reading and earn my money that way, I think nothing would make me happier. Instead I am sitting at odd hours, wrecked from a full day of social interactions and trying to learn programming, in the end writing only a single sentence (sometimes) if I have the energy to do even that much.
I am not unhappy though. I love the people I work with, I love the work we do and I love the flexibility I get from being a programmer. My colleagues are the best people I have ever worked with and we are currently developing an online learning platform for children, so my work is rewarding in many ways. I want to make the world better, I want to help others and here I feel like I am starting to do just that.
Truly, this would be a very happy life if I was normal, I think. I feel like I ought to just be grateful and not complain that I don’t have time or energy to do anything but focus on work and sleeping off the stress. It’s a struggle, trying to balance my need for alone-time and the required social interactions at work.
My boss, and others, have mentioned several times lately that I need to see myself as one of them and be a part of everything. At first I thought that maybe it’s because I feel like I am not really a real employee because I have been hired on a short term contract and talked with them about how I felt like I was still new and learning and that, maybe if I got to the point where I could contribute more, then I’d feel like I was really one of them.
It wasn’t until later that I realised that wasn’t the problem at all. The problem is that I will never be one of them – normal. I don’t mind, I don’t want to be normal. I am atypical, happy and proud of it.
I think what they feel is my lack of connection. I am not sure. It just sort of sounds like that when they talk about it. I don’t feel lonely if I eat lunch alone, I feel that it’s a nice and quiet break from all the social talkie-ness. I don’t feel sad if I am not going to a meeting with everyone, I am sort of happy that I don’t have to sit in those awful chairs.
Maybe I am wrong about this, but honestly I am happy with how things are. I don’t want to be more social and I definitely don’t want to feel like I might stay working there forever. I like being social once in a while and I like that I was hired on a 4 year contract. I’ve been working there for half that time and even though I am very happy to be where I am, there are a lot of things I struggle with. I will write more on that in a different post.
My point is, I am happy with how things are. I don’t want to be more social or interact more with others at work, nor do I want to pretend I might stay there forever. The fact that I only have two years left on my contract makes it possible for me to survive the things that drain me and make it difficult to get through the day, and instead try to focus on working with people I enjoy working with. I can’t imagine working in an office as big as this for the rest of my life, nor do I want to, but I do want to enjoy the great parts of it while I am here.
When it comes to being social, I feel like I make an effort every day. I eat with everyone in the cafeteria even though I hate it very much. I make the effort, however, because I understand that normal people socialise while they eat and that it is important for most people to build relationships with colleagues at work under different circumstances than just work. I am doing my best to be a part of things.
So, can you tell me why it isn’t enough? Why do people feel like I apparently don’t seem like I want to fit in? Someone even suggested that I didn’t feel like making an effort because it didn’t matter since I wasn’t going to stay, but that not how I feel at all.
I am and have been struggling everyday to be a part of everything at work, the socialising too, and I still struggle every day. I just don’t want to have to fight to fit in, like I used to when I was younger. I want to find some middle ground here, some way of being a part of everything at work while still staying true to who I am.
I am so, so tired and drained every day after work and some days I have no idea how I get through it, but I do. Partly because I know it doesn’t have to be forever, partly because I know I am very lucky and that there are many benefits to working where I do – brilliant and kind colleagues, a boss that is a compassionate and friendly human being, a decent salary that ensures I can pay off my student loans little by little, flexibility to work from home on days when I have trouble leaving home because I have been drained or pushed myself too far and I don’t have to make a call to anyone when I am sick, I can just message everyone in our team chat and register my sick days online. These are great things and I feel blessed most days, even if I am tired and drained and frustrated too.
I guess, I am maybe just confused? Why do people always believe that I want to be more social than I am? How can it be that people don’t understand it (or sometimes even seem to dislike it) when I say I like to be social, but I need alone time. I need a sense of freedom that I only get when I am alone. If I was social every day all the time forever, I’d surely go mad.
Do people want me to make more of an effort, as they say, because they think I am just being shy or insecure or is it because I am doing something wrong? Yes, I am shy and insecure but that’s not the reason I am not social all the time or hate video/voice calls. I just dislike it and would rather enjoy life without things that drains me or frustrates me. I want to be happy, you know, and I compromise on so many things every single day, I feel I am allowed to say no if its too much for me.
Am I accepted for who I am or encouraged to be someone else? Am I even seen or am I still hiding? If I ever figure out how to deal with other people and their needs for social interactions, I’ll let you know.
Somehow, I doubt it.
I think I’ll be confused about normal people and their needs for a long time yet, but I will still try to do my best to understand. What do you think? Do people encourage you to be more social and a part of things too? How do you deal with it without offending anyone?
I can’t help but feel that being an adult is essentially just trying to balance our own needs and the needs of others. I only wish others would be a little more forgiving about my needs too.
