Even before I figured out, I was different from others I had this strange desire to have function. There are many reasons why I used the idea of having a function as a way to validate my existence and I shall not give you all of them in this post. In some ways, I would say it is not important how I came to believe that I only had worth if I was of use to others. I would argue that the important thing is that I do.
Well, now I know having a function is not the only thing that justifies me being alive. I know that it’s okay to want to be happy for me. It’s not that it didn’t make me happy to have a function, to be of use to others, but sometimes the need to be of use overpowered my own identity.
It became natural to me, in fact, to disregard my own feelings over time. My life became nothing but whatever function I had at the time.
When I was little, and I realised I wasn’t like others it reinforced my idea that all I ever was to be was of use to others. It strengthened my determination and I even felt pride in the knowledge that I had purpose – I had use. In spite of being broken I was allowed to live because of this purpose. I was broken, I had no rights and ought to hide myself away and simply exist as a tool. My life had meaning because others gave me purpose and function.
That is no way to live. It is something we do to survive a little while longer.
I became increasingly indecisive as I grew up. Every choice I made was not because I wanted to make it, instead it had to add to my function. It was not what I wanted, but whatever was needed of me.
Of course, it didn’t mean I had lost my sense of self entirely, it now feels rather more like I just forgot.
I became so fully whatever function I had that I thought it was all I ever was.
My true self fought back, however. No one can be truly satisfied and happy knowingly, or unknowingly, forcing themselves to be something they are not and ignoring their own needs.
My own true self could not stay quiet. At first, when I thought my survival depended on fitting in, I could keep myself almost entirely silent. As I came to realise that I was not broken, but different, the voice of my true self became louder and louder.
Now, it will no longer stay silent.
I became more and more indecisive as my own needs started to conflict with my attempts to be of use. It was sometimes extremely difficult to figure out what was expected of me or what other people needed from me. It was, and still is, stressful.
It has come to the point when I can hardly choose a tea in a box if it had more than one kind. I have always been indecisive to some degree, but never like this. I can hardly decide what clothes to wear, what food to eat or even what to do with my time.
Before it was a nudge, a sense of doubt proposed from my own true self, but now it has become a constant battle.
I didn’t know it was not just me fighting myself, but me fighting my own self-destructive pattern.
When I realised that I felt I only had value if I had a function to someone else, I was shocked. I could not believe I had never seen it before, but it came as a sudden realisation and for a moment I thought it would break me.
It didn’t.
Far from it.
It’s terrifying, but wonderful all at the same time.
To you it may sound silly, but the other day I looked in a box of mixed teas and I chose one. I chose one. I didn’t think too much about it, I just chose a bag of tea, made the tea and drank it. It was great. I chose what I wanted to drink, and I enjoyed it. It has become a bit easier to make choices like that, but the feeling of doubt still overpowers me occasionally and I feel incapable of making any kind of choice.
It’s very much like I lose the ability to differentiate between what I want and what my other self, the self that identifies solely as a tool, wants.
What I wanted never mattered before, not to me and not to others. At least, if it ever mattered to others, I never knew. I fully believed that people needed me to be a tool, to have usefulness, if I wanted to be accepted or be a part of their life. When they thanked me for any favour or indeed anything at all, it felt like they were telling me that I had fulfilled my function – I had had my use and might now be expendable. I quickly had to find some other way of being useful or they might abandon me too – like all those who did it before. When people say nice things about me all I hear is that I am nothing – worthless – unless I have some function, unless I am of use to them.
I feel quite awkward when people say nice things to me. It never really feels like a good thing to me.
In any case, my choices and what I want matters to me now. It should have mattered before, but I can’t blame myself for not realising it sooner. I got lost for a bit, yes, but I found my way back.
I am finding my way back.
It’s not easy, it’s even painful at times, but I feel myself growing freer by the hour. I am learning many new things about myself and what I like and dislike. I always thought it had to be easy though. How can someone not know if they dislike or like something? Sure, it can be impossible to really figure out what we want – but we know what we like, or at the very least, what we don’t like.
I have now come to understand just how naive that is.
Just because we think we know what we want it doesn’t mean that we really want it.
Now is the time to figure it out, I guess. What I like and what I dislike.
It’s been a long time since I made decisions for myself without worrying – I had no idea how tense I had become.
I hope it’ll be exciting to figure all this out, but right now I feel tired. So very tired.
