There something I am not sure I will ever learn to fully understand and that is how neurotypical people can say one thing, but in reality, they mean something completely different.
I understand that ‘Netflix and chill’ doesn’t actually mean you are invited to watch Netflix and chill, but I only know that because I’ve been told that it doesn’t. I don’t understand why people don’t just say what they mean, because honestly, what are you going to do if all you want is to sit on a couch and watch Netflix?
I like doing that, but I can never suggest that because I’m terrified the other person will misunderstand and think I want something else. And you know what? Sometimes Netflix and chill really does mean Netflix and chill. So… How are we possibly supposed to know the difference?
It’s just overly complicated. I feel much more comfortable when I can just be honest.
Okay, okay, I get it. You are going to say something about how we have to be polite to each other and not hurt someone’s feelings?
Are you really going to tell me that no one ever got hurt when you tried to be polite to them? Or is it just what other people have been telling you?
We all get hurt all the time.
I hurt people, just like they hurt me….. and the circle continues. We can’t go through life scared we might at some point hurt someone. And if you are honest with me, is it not more hurtful to find out someone you thought might be interested was never interested at all? Especially if you thought about that person for weeks or months before the other one made it clear that they weren’t interested in you like that, because all along there was so many mixed signals only because they were trying to be nice to you?
Well, I’ll be honest and say I don’t know for sure, since I never see ANY signals whatsoever.
I have, however, had people be ‘nice’ to me only to find out from someone else that they were never interested in me in the first place. It hurts. I personally would much have preferred a clear ‘no’ early on so that I could have just moved on instead of spending so much time hoping for something that was never going to happen.
I would like people to be clear. I prefer it when people say what they mean and back it up with action.
In this, however, I seem to belong to a minority.
Often in life I have come across people who seem to enjoy all the strange games people play, like they get high on the drama in their life. I don’t understand it. I pretended to be like that for years, because most of the neurotypicals I met were like that and I had to fit in, but it was always such a mystery to me.
In fact, a lot of neurotypical behaviour is a mystery to me, but this time let’s just stick to this one thing.
For instance, an acquaintance on mine once told me that sometimes when couples are arguing about who is supposed to wash the dishes, they aren’t really arguing about who should do the dishes, but something else entirely unrelated to plates. That seems silly to me. How do they know what they are arguing about if no one says anything about it? More importantly, how do they ever come to a beneficial end if they don’t say what they are arguing about?
It’s like it becomes more important to be right than to find a compromise or come to some sort of understanding with each other.
I would never be able to do that. I can’t talk about something without using actual words that are related to that particular topic. It is something I always tell people early on, whether it is someone who could be a friend or something more, and yet it is as if people never hear what I say.
I think neurotypicals are so used to everything other people are saying having a hidden message that when I tell them I say things as they are, because otherwise I don’t understand it and that I would like them to just say things straight, even bluntly if needed, because I don’t understand social cues and hints, they properly believe I have some hidden reason for saying that.
I don’t know if it makes me want to laugh or cry.
I don’t understand hints. I can’t read minds, and unless I am very much mistaken, neither can you.
Maybe it’s all about balance.
Saying everything as you see it doesn’t mean you have to say everything you see to the other person. I know that now. I’ve learned that some comments, even when factual, hurt other people. We are not allowed to say someone is ugly or is a horrible singer, even if they really are.
That doesn’t mean we should always say nice things that we don’t mean.
To me, that’s a lie. If you say something you know isn’t true, it’s a lie. To me, that means I won’t say it. I don’t lie, there’s no point in lying and I never understood why people lie. To me, lies are often more hurtful than anything else and more often than not, the lies are born from fear. I seem to be getting off topic here.
I want to talk about how I think we should find a balance between basic politeness or niceness and being honest. We don’t have to lie just like we don’t have to say everything we observe, even though we get opportunity to do so.
But, when it comes to arguments, can’t we just be honest with each other? We don’t have to say everything out loud, but at least use words that describe the disagreement. Stop arguing about dishes if what you are really angry about is how you feel neglected. What’s wrong with saying something like: ‘Love, lately I feel a little lonely and I miss you.’? Why not?
When you meet a nice boy or girl that you kinda like, what’s wrong with saying: ‘You know, I think you seem really nice and I would like to ask you out for a date. How about you come over to my place on Saturday and we order a pizza?’
Are we so spoiled now that a date has to be expensive dinners, red roses, rainbows and birds chirping while you get dressed? Is that even real?
Can a date not simply be spending time with someone you like after asking them out clearly and honestly; does it really matter whether that is a picnic in the sun, a movie on TV or a beer at the local pub or even something fancy?
In my opinion, a date is just spending time with someone you like and being honest about how you like that other person should not be kept a secret. If you are interested just say you are, and if you are not, just honestly say that and be nice about it. Saying you like someone isn’t the same thing as admitting to being in love or proposing marriage.
It’s just saying you like someone.
The last time a guy said he liked me, I wasn’t interested. He is an old friend and I care about him, but not in a romantic way and I told him that. I said something like: ‘It makes me so grateful that you feel like that because you are such a dear friend to me, but I don’t feel the same way. You do mean a lot to me, but just not in the way you want me to feel. I am so sorry, but I am also so grateful for you even telling me this. Thank you.’
I know, that reply isn’t perfect, but over the years I’ve said much worse and it was only after I met a guy, who rejected my feelings in a horrible way, that I started thinking about how I phrase myself in situations like that.
So, I told the guy who confessed his feelings to me what I had wanted to hear from the guy I liked. The guy I had liked got angry at me and refused to talk to me for a long time because of my confession, even though I never wanted anything from him – not even a date or anything. All I wanted was to tell him I liked him because I did. I am very grateful for his reaction though, because it was only because of his anger that I took a closer look at my own reactions and found them lacking and surprisingly, I was confessed to not long after by that old friend of mine.
That was all a few years back and it was not long after all of that happened that I had my giant burnout, which caused me to isolate myself while I tried to pick up the broken pieces of myself.
I do realise that it has been a while since I dated, but I want to date again some day. I want to go out and meet new friends too, but here’s the problem. I feel scared even thinking about dating and meeting new friends.
People have often called me naïve. I don’t understand when people joke and say things they don’t mean and I’m often the last one to understand a joke. Most of the time, what makes neurotypicals laugh doesn’t make me laugh and vice versa. I don’t understand sarcasm most of the time. People are amused by this a lot. Maybe I am naïve, but if you ask me to come over for Netflix and chill, then I’ll expect Netflix and chill. The thing is, I understand that that is not what it means, but for a long time, I didn’t. People could say something like that as a joke even though they would never want to have me come over and I would believe their words.
That is the problem.
If people say something to me, if you say something to me, I’ll believe you. Nah, that’s not exactly right. I will believe your words, which might not be what you are actually saying.
I don’t know how to make friends, or date for that matter, when I can’t trust your words. How am I supposed to guess your thoughts? How does anyone do this?
Are you guys not all stressed out all the time from constantly trying to guess what people are saying? I know I am.
It’s like trying to put together a puzzle, except all the pieces are changing colours, size and shape every five minutes.
I can’t be the only one who feels like this. There has got to be some people out there, neurotypical and atypical alike, who wants things like Netflix and chill to just mean Netflix and chill again.
Navigating the social sphere these days seem even more complicated than before I left it all behind a few years back. Probably, you’ll just be saying that I’m getting old and you’ll roll your eyes at me when I tell you I’m only 31 and feel too young to give up on dating and making new friends.
Or maybe, you are like me – feeling too young to give up, no matter your age. Age doesn’t matter to me. When I reach 70, I hope I’ll still be meeting new, amazing people and get new friends. Of course, I also hope to be growing old with that special someone I haven’t met yet, but to do that I need to meet that person first. Chances are I might never find anyone. A lot of statistics show that people on the spectrum don’t get married or date very often, but as I’ve said before, I don’t think that’s because we don’t want to.
A change is needed in society, I think. Well, honestly, a lot of changes are needed in society, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s just stick to the topic at hand; friendships and romantic relationships.
What change exactly, I’m not sure. I’d settle for people believing me when I tell them I say what think and that if they want me to know something, they better make sure to tell me straight, because if not, I’ll never know.
If people could just accept that for some of us the idea of ‘playing the game’ is just a waste of time, then I think we could probably start making some progress. I wish we could all just go about this in our own way and that people would respect us and our choices regardless of how we chose to live.
If you want to play games while dating, find someone who enjoys it too. Don’t make up drama for everyone else as well, otherwise your just playing chess with yourself and whoever you hope to be with will probably get tired of sitting on the side-lines while you have fun with yourself.
I feel like that sounded bitter. Sorry about that. Clearly, I have a lot of experience being the one side-lined by other people’s personal quest for drama.
It’s not the only experiences I have though, and I do believe that there are more people out there like me. What I really hope is that we, those of us who doesn’t get social cues or hints, those who don’t want drama or playing games, that we can be courageous and dare to be who we are – to not be intimidated by all those scary things out there and dare to go seek out like-minded individuals.
It’s probably going to hurt, because let’s be honest, even though Netflix and chill should just mean Netflix and chill in my opinion, it’s most likely never going to happen. People hint and expect us to read their mind or guess what they want without them saying it. They want us to know what they want and supply it even before they know it themselves.
Not everyone is like that, but in order to find others like us, we have to break free from our own fear and insecurity and start trying. If we are all too afraid to try then there is absolutely no chance of any of us finding other people like us – we’ll all be sitting alone, eating pizza and watching Netflix on the couch at home.
Be clear about what you need and who you are, because otherwise those of us like you will never know. And yes, I am well aware that I personally have no idea how to do this yet, but I still want to try and hope for the best – even if we don’t try to be honest, it will be painful, so we might as well give it a go.
