Normal is, according to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary “…conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.” It doesn’t say that normal is better than anything else, it doesn’t say that not being normal is a bad thing. Why do people then insistently argue that not being normal doesn’t make you less?
What I mean is, when you say not being normal doesn’t make you bad isn’t it the same thing as saying not being tall doesn’t make you tall? I know that me not being normal doesn’t mean I am bad or anything like that, so why do people always want to tell me this?
To be honest, I am a little upset. There is one thing I hate being told more than anything else and for some reason every neurotypical person I meet always feel the need to tell me. What they say is something like this:
“Don’t worry about not being normal – who even knows what normal is anyway?”
Then they wink. That is to say often, they wink after they say this like winking is some kind of secret sign of solidarity. I don’t like it when people blink at me, it makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and honestly, people look a little silly blinking, don’t they? Now, I realise I can’t actually wink with one eye myself, so maybe there’s a whole lot of amazing winking out there that I’ve missed out on, but I’d say I do just fine without it.
Now, I started this post by defining normal, so I think we should all be able to agree on the fact that defining the word normal is really not that difficult. Normal is the standard, nothing more or less than that.
I am not standard, so I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m not normal. Don’t be too shocked now when I say this again, because saying something like this always make neurotypicals freak out… I am not normal, and I don’t care that I’m not normal. I don’t want to be neurotypical, I just want to be allowed to be myself.
If I could be reborn as a neurotypical, rich child with every opportunity I could ever wish for I would say: “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather just be me.’’
There is not a single person on this planet whose life I would want. That’s right. I don’t want to be anyone but who I am and that includes being diagnosed with ASD, depression, OCD and anxiety. I am not happy, no, but I’m me and I try every day to be the best me I can possibly be. I spent years being anything but myself, and you might not believe this, but it was never for a second because I didn’t want to be me. It was because I was afraid.
I hate when people tell me not to call myself not normal. Every time people tell me not to call myself not normal, it’s the same thing as telling me normal is being better than those who aren’t, and I just don’t believe that. Normal is just the standard, so why is it so scary that I am not standard?
The thing is, I really don’t care what people call me. You can call me anything you like, it doesn’t matter. What truly matters is not the names we call each other, it’s how we treat each other.
The people who wink at me while calling me pretty, politically correct names are often the ones who treat me like I’m a sub-human species. Being politically correct isn’t about making all of our lives better or making mankind more compassionate –it’s just a way of proving one thing is more right than something else. It’s us versus them.
What we need is to treat each other with compassion, understanding and acceptance. Don’t worry about what you call me, just treat me with respect. I get so upset when people treat me like I’m not a real human being while saying they don’t see my diagnosis, but a bright young woman. It’s like they think I am ashamed of my diagnosis. I’m not.
My ASD diagnosis is as natural to me as the colour of my hair or my height. I can try and fool you by wearing shoes without heels or bleaching my hair, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was born a tall brunette. I like being tall and brunette and I like being me – and I have ASD.
Did someone ever tell you to treat others like you want to be treated yourself? Well, if I did that, I can promise you my social circle would drop to 0. I’ve discussed this with others at length, and people seem oddly determined to prove me wrong whenever I question it. I think that treating others like you want to be treated is both arrogant and narcissistic. I believe that we need to listen to each other and not make judgments for someone else.
In my head that statement makes as much sense as this: ‘I prefer strawberry ice cream above all other ice creams. Therefore, I shall only ever serve strawberry ice cream if I go out to eat ice cream with someone else. If they do not like it, it is only proper to force them to eat it and smile afterwards.’
Do you see how silly that would be? If I’m out with someone who prefers chocolate ice cream, although I don’t understand how any one could, I will let that person eat chocolate ice cream. Just because that person wants chocolate ice cream it doesn’t mean I have to eat it too. And if it does, then isn’t it possible to switch it up once in a while and make each other happy? Maybe eat chocolate one day and strawberry the next.
My point is, some people out there need different things than we ourselves do. Some people need more help in areas that we ourselves do not. Does that mean they should not receive the support they need just because we don’t? No! It is exactly because we don’t need help in that area that we are able to support them when they need it.
Perhaps, this sounds overly simplified to you. Perhaps it is. But isn’t treat others like you want to be treated yourself overly simplified?
I said this before, I am not normal. I am different, and I like it. The thing here is, if you treat me like you want to be treated, I might break. If you don’t listen to me, if you don’t hear me when I try to tell you what I need to be okay in a situation that is painful, then I’ll break. If I treat you like I want to be treated, you’ll leave and probably call me heartless or cynical or even mean. If you treat me like you want to be treated, I just have to deal with it, because your way is the only way. That’s not fair.
Don’t pretend that I’m normal and treat me like I’m neurotypical. I am me, not you. Sometimes, I feel like people forget that. They are so focused on not insulting me and calling me ‘normal’ right after they tell me that I am in no way capable of handling an ordinary job. It breaks my heart. It’s not that people don’t think I can handle an ordinary job that hurts, it’s that people forget to listen to what I am trying to say. Because, with people like me it’s not whether we can handle a real-life job, it’s all about what kind of job we ought to be doing.
So, to me, saying all these things is so hypocritical. Be honest. Be real. Above all, accept that we are all different even though that means you must be present in every interaction. To be different, to not be normal, is not bad. It’s just not you.
I wish I would be able to respond better when people say things like that I don’t have to be ashamed or worry about what’s normal, but I can never express myself when it happens. I have all these thoughts in my head, but in the end I just stare at the person without committing fully to a response.
I am going to say this one final time. It’s not what people call each other, but how we treat each other that is important. Don’t talk to me about political correctness only to treat me like a fool a few minutes later. Don’t think that all have to be normal, or as close to normal as possible, just because some people out there believe that being normal is what we are supposed to be.
We have to be who we are, because that’s who we are. I am not saying not to change or grow, but don’t do it to be normal – do it to be even more of you.
