You might wonder why I’m writing a post about verbalising my thoughts, but it is really a bigger problem than many might think. I didn’t realise I had this particular problem until I heard someone else on the spectrum mention it, and suddenly everything just made more sense. I knew that I sometimes spoke “too fast” for others to understand what I said, or at least that was what I assumed was happening. I was wrong.
I can think more than one thought at a time, something I used to believe everyone did, but apparently, they don’t. What I slowly came to realise is that sometimes my head is too fast for my mouth to follow at the appropriate speed. I will give you an example.
If I want to say: ‘What a nice day this is. Not too cold, not too hot. Perfectly mild weather.’ I sometimes end up saying something like: ‘What a day. Mild weather.’
I am not kidding. Sometimes it’s even worse. I get thoughts mixed up in my head and say something like ‘Gello’, because I try to say Hello and Good morning at the same time. Yes, it has happened to me. It’s not bad when it’s just little things like this, but sometimes it is rather important stuff I get mixed up and it sounds like I am saying something I don’t want to say.
You see, if I’m lucky the words that come out of my mouth are pure and random nonsense, but sometimes I end up saying words and sentences I never intended to say. And, in case you were wondering, I can’t tell. I cannot hear a difference between what I think in my head and what I say out loud. I can hear it if someone has recorded me, obviously. And trust me when I say, hearing yourself say sentences you have no memory of saying is all kinds of creepy.
Of course, I was immediately worried about my writing. Because I have dyslexia, I have always had to have others read through my papers and texts to make sure it makes sense and that the spelling isn’t completely off. I prayed deeply that the same thing didn’t happen to me when I was writing. Of course, it does. I re-read things I write a lot more now, to make sure everything is as close as possible to what I wanted to say, but I always have doubts.
Those doubts were one of the reasons sharing my writing like this was such a big and scary step for me. These days I mostly miss the occasional word when I write, and words in a sentence here and there get mixed up. I generally find a lot of those mistakes when I do the re-writing of my work.
Sometimes, I put in random odd words in sentences too – both when I talk and when I write. It is probably like when you talk and text at the same time and accidentally text what you are saying, instead of writing what you wanted to at the time. Only to me it happens all the time, not just occasionally.
On some rare occasions I hardly say any of what I think I do. I might think I’ve said a few sentences out loud, when someone tells me I didn’t say anything at all. I hate when that happens.
I don’t understand how people can tell if a conversation is over or not. People take turns talking, but I can never tell when I am supposed to talk or when the other person is supposed to talk. I don’t use phones if I can avoid it, because I can literally get a panic attack from the fear of not knowing when I’m supposed to say something and when to stop.
I thought my problem with not knowing who’s turn it is to talk or when a conversation is over was related to not knowing if I say what I think I am saying, but I’m not so sure now. Although it is probably all connected somehow.
You see, this is yet another reason why I am so uncomfortable being in social situations. I really have to focus to make sure I verbalise my thoughts both in the right way and the correct order. I have to listen very carefully to my own words, and after a few hours of constant focus like that, I can literally just go home and sleep the rest of the day. Remember, this is also just one of the many things I struggle with during social interactions.
What makes this all even worse is that most of the time, people don’t believe me when I try to explain this. I don’t understand why that is, but it’s the truth. I don’t understand why people never believe me. I do my best to explain, and yet, I am met with ridicule and disbelief. I suppose I don’t explain things too well, or they just don’t understand how much their reaction hurts me.
So, what does this mean for my social interactions and the actual talking to other people? Well, in general, I do one of two things; I talk too much, or not enough.
I don’t know how to balance it, I can’t tell what the right amount of talking is. Sometimes, I’ll barely talk and at other times, I can’t seem to stop. When I talk too much, though, it’s always because I’m scared. It’s NEVER a good thing if you hear me just going on and on, especially when I end up talking in circles. I get scared that people don’t understand, or that I have missed words again, or that my thoughts have moved too fast and people don’t follow. All sorts of things like that.
When I hardly talk at all it’s because I don’t know how to express myself to be understood, or I just don’t understand what’s going on. It’s not as bad, but the truth is, I am almost never in a social situation and not afraid at the same time.
It’s the same with writing, I think. I tend to write too much or not enough. A lot of the people I have known have always made fun of my texting (or been seriously annoyed about it), because they say I always write too much when messaging. It’s either that, or people complain that I don’t write enough for them to understand.
I hope this blog can help me find some balance when I communicate, because I want to feel more comfortable in social situations. I do really enjoy writing this blog, and re-writing and re-reading is giving me a chance to really think about how I communicate.
What I wanted you guys to get from this post, is that for me navigating a conversation is like running blindfolded through a minefield. It’s not something I recommend anyone attempt to do.
I only brave this challenge because I have no choice in the matter, unless of course I want to live the rest of my life as a hermit. Occasionally, a hermit lifestyle is really quite attractive to me. In fact, I occasionally think I would have been more comfortable in the world if I had never tried talking to anyone in the first place.
Now that I have, I guess I can only really do one thing. Try and get better, which includes a lot of pain and practice. Hopefully the pain will eventually go away.
