Physical touch can send shivers down your neck or create butterflies in your stomach.
We all know this, and yet, we tend to take for granted that others feel physical touches in the same way as we do. At least in my opinion, people rarely understand when I say I don’t like to be touched, because as they say; a hug just feels good. Well, excuse me, but you don’t really believe that a hug always feels good, do you? If you can honestly tell me that there is not a single person on this planet that you wouldn’t feel good hugging, then okay, you might be just be a saint.
Hugs and handshakes are everyday occurrences that many believe is a natural part of any truly civilised society, and indeed, many would probably shake a strangers hand without even thinking about it. It’s just a part of life that we all accept while going about our business. At least, I suppose that’s how it is to most people. Not to me though. Shaking hands and hugging is a challenge that can make me physically sick or even stay in bed crying all day.
When I was younger, and I knew I had to go to a family dinner and greet people, I would lie awake for nights and feel nauseous and sick for days before going. The event would pass with me in a constant state of fear and desperately searching for hiding places that no one would realise I was hiding in.
Mainly, I think people just assumed I had the tiniest bladder in the family, since I would often end up spending most of the evening in a bathroom, leaning against the door, desperate to keep it closed by all means possible. By the end of the evening I would try and get away with just waving and smiling awkwardly at people and hurry out before anyone really noticed we were leaving. It didn’t always work, but sometimes it did.
You may not believe me, but it really was the physical touch that made me sick. Yes, physically sick. Hugs are just too much, too close, too intimate and definitely too stressful. Handshakes are bad too, but hugs are worse. I don’t even really understand how people decide how much power to put in the hug or for how long to hold on to each other.
Okay, I know there is a mental factor here as well, but what’s important to understand is that it is not the main problem for me. A handshake feels as comfortable to me as sticking my hand into a bucket of cold mud.
I don’t think people always hugged as much as they do now, but maybe that’s just my imagination. When did everyone start hugging all the time? Why did they start hugging all the time? It’s not like the chances of people becoming friends increase with every hug they share, or is there some secret about hugs that only neurotypicals know about?
When I was young, we only hugged close friends or family members. It was perfectly okay not to hug friends, and no one (to the best of my memory at least) felt like we were less friendly or had less fun if we didn’t hug.
Now, people hug you even if you say that you don’t like it. If you make the mistake of hesitating, they are on you like a cat jumping on a little bird in a hedge. When they hug you despite your reservations or objections, they give reasons like ‘Oh, I am just a hugger!’ and hug you anyway. Probably even harder.
I want to state here that I in no way believe ‘I’m a hugger’ is an acceptable reason to do anything against someone’s will. It just doesn’t make it okay.
Look, I understand that hugs can be a great source of comfort for most other people, and if you happen to be a so-called ‘hugger’ and loving it, then god dammit, go hug people! Hug them all! Hug as many as want and share the joy. Just…. let’s make it consensual hugs, okay?
If someone doesn’t want to hug, then be okay about it. We are all different, and some us (like me) don’t appreciate hugs, and honestly, if you like hugs why waste it on someone who doesn’t appreciate it? Hug people who want to be hugged, not those of us who feel physically sick from it.
It’s not like it’s personal. Trust me, everyone is the same to me. I just don’t like any hugs. In fact, I don’t like any physical contact whatsoever. If I don’t expect a touch and someone touches my shoulder, even just in passing, be prepared to see a Kai Skjold a shell of a person on the ground before you, because I might just jump out of my skin. Or, maybe something less dramatic. I am not all sure it couldn’t happen.
No one can teach me to like a touch, but yeah, I can get used to it. Not everyone on the spectrum dislikes touch. I’ve heard some even love it, but I am not one of them. Sure, many of us on the spectrum have difficulties with this, but what I want to say today isn’t even really about that. I am sure there are neurotypicals who don’t like hugs too. This is just about being different.
To me, being hugged feels like someone pouring cold mud all over me and I feel shivers all through my body. I am not exaggerating here, I am really not. It feels bad. If you could feel it like I do, you wouldn’t like it either. The thing is, however, not everyone feels it like I do or like you do. We are all different and that’s the reason I am hoping we can find some compromises here.
Consensual hugs, remember?
I feel like nothing I ever talk about is easy, and this too, is probably not going to be easy. When we meet self-proclaimed ‘huggers’ we should be able to find a compromise if we don’t want to hug. Maybe create a secret (technically I guess it wouldn’t be all that secret if everyone can see you do it) handshake or something. We could make it funny, instead of focusing on the awkwardness about the whole matter. Because, oh my, those situations can be terribly awkward, but it doesn’t have to be.
The world may have become a ‘huggers’ paradise and, in too many ways, my worst nightmare, but we don’t have to turn things around and make it hellish to be a ‘hugger’. Let’s just figure out what works for the people we are interacting with, focus on the present moment, and find a way to make all of us happier and not forcing someone into something they don’t like.
I don’t dislike ‘huggers’ at all, they seem to be quite nice and definitely very friendly people, but we all forget people aren’t like us. Just because one person feels like a hug is the best thing in the world, it doesn’t mean everyone does.
No means no. No matter the situation, when someone says no, you stop. Why is a hug any different? It can feel just as intimate and violating as anything, so why do we have less compassion for people like me, self-proclaimed ‘not-huggers’?
Consensual hugs, guys. Always.
Let’s do that and forgive those who feel differently, knowing it is not about the ‘hugger’, but a personal preference. And should someone hug a ‘not-hugger’ even when that person says no, then let’s forgive the ‘hugger’ for forcing the hug on us. No one hugs to be mean, surely. And what is even more important, I can’t speak for everyone of course, but I never avoid a hug to be mean either.
I avoid hugs, handshakes, holding hands – anything like that – because if I forced myself to do those things I would probably choose to never see anyone ever, rather than go through that pain every time I had to be social.
You might not believe me, but look at me now. I did just that.
What we all have to get used to is that we are all different, and that should be just fine.
