To be different often comes with a fair amount of uncertainty. Perhaps this is what makes it so frightening. Most people aren’t anything like me, they don’t think like me or experience the world like me. I often misunderstand the actions of others, and I never know what is expected from me. Uncertainty is a constant in my life, and it is one of the things I fear the most. It is, however, something I believe is very important to learn to love. As a matter of fact, I think this is vital if we want to live in a world of compassion and hope.
We all tend to feel insecure about uncertainty, don’t we? It’s not surprising at all. Whatever makes you or me feel this feeling is not very likely to make someone else feel it, and vice versa. Perhaps that is why we often group together with people who feel uncertain about the same kind of things, and consequently find similar things frightening. Just look at politics in today’s world. Often we don’t realise that it is not what makes us uncertain that frightens us, but uncertainty in itself. Thus, by finding others frightened by the same sense of uncertainty, we find therein great certainty. It is one way of overcoming the fear associated with uncertainty, because it is no longer vague and unknown, but the logical fear of something concrete.
It’s sad, but understandable, that I was afraid of being different for most of my life and I understand perfectly well how others can be afraid of it too. We learn, unconsciously I suppose, that uncertainty can only be beaten by certainty. What we do not understand is that it is not something we ought to fight at all, but something we should love.
When one is different, one is singled out and the feeling of us and them becomes strong. I think, because we fear uncertainty and those who are different fill us with uncertainty, we react in fear. I fear those who are different, the neurotypicals that is, as much as anything. They make me feel less than them, less than human even, but I do not hate anyone for it. I am often afraid, yes, but so must they be. I don’t believe we do bad things because we are bad, I believe we do them out of fear. I may be naïve, but it is what I believe.
Often, we do not understand that which is different. Not understanding is, of course, riddled with uncertainty. I remember when not understanding something came with curiosity in place of fear and rejection, as it often does now. I am afraid that many do not know that curiosity can only truly thrive in uncertainty. Believing anything else is the same as slowly quenching the life out of curiosity.
I, who have struggled to find a single friend in this world, am often worried and afraid when I see the world of today. People all seem so certain of themselves, that they are right and everyone else, who does not share that opinion, are wrong. How can families, relationships and friendships break apart for such a little thing as a difference of opinion? I wonder if not uncertainty is the true culprit here.
Believe me, I have lost people from my life over a difference in opinion, so I understand that a little difference in opinion can mean all the world. I am not saying it doesn’t feel like that. What I want to say is that we need to be careful not to forget something I feel is very important, but I’ll get to that in a moment.
When others have a different opinion from us, it naturally brings much uncertainty. We might not even understand how others can feel, think, or even behave in the way they do. For example, people of different political views. I believe strongly in my political view, and I doubt anyone will ever change my mind, but I might be wrong. So far my political views have not changed much since I first became aware of politics, and it is perhaps more that I became more secure in my views and less doubtful, than any real change in views. My views, however, are not perfect. I am not perfect. I might even be wrong about some things, maybe I’m wrong about everything.
Growing up I always knew I was different, and I reacted in fear and ran towards certainty. At least, I tried. I have OCD, not as badly as I used to have it, but it still greatly influences my life. I believe I turned towards this as a point of certainty in a world I hated and feared as a child. In time, I became more comfortable with uncertainty in some areas of my life. When I was little I felt great comfort in the certainty that I was broken and always wrong, but it never brought me happiness. When I started to realise I could be right and that I wasn’t broken, it brought with it a new wave of uncertainty.
Politics have become a dangerous topic in today’s world. We are living in a seemingly increasingly polarised society where we are either on the same side or on opposite sides. All because of a difference in opinion. As I mentioned before, it doesn’t matter if we are family or friends, politics and a difference in opinion can now drive us apart like a sharp knife cuts through a ripe apple.
When I was little I saw politicians on opposite sides fall in love or become great friends, because a difference in political views didn’t make anyone better or worse than someone else. A different opinion was to be met with great curiosity, not judgement, as it often is today. Being born different, growing up in this world, feels very much like that. I am often met with judgement before curiosity. Of course, I started to believe I was broken, when I was unconsciously taught that being different was being wrong. It is the same with politics, is it not? When we meet the opposition with curiosity, instead of judgement, there is no need for defence, but dialogue.
I will admit that I often meet neurotypicals with judgement and not curiosity. I am very aware of that in fact, and I am desperately trying to change that. I am writing this because I want to change. I want to love uncertainty and let my curiosity thrive. It can be even more difficult, however, when I am constantly met by judgement everywhere. It is so tempting just to ignore my better self, and judge others as I feel they judge me. But that way nothing changes.
I think perhaps that the greatest threat to humanity is the certainty in the belief that we are right. I am not saying that we cannot be right, but a too strong faith in being right means we feel we cannot possible be wrong. Believing oneself to, without a doubt, be right is to forget the most important thing for curiosity to flourish; uncertainty. When we believe that we are right, we cannot but become more polarised. Why do we feel this need to judge each other so very harshly? Why must we ignore that we might be wrong?
Don’t get me wrong. Believing that we are always wrong is just as bad, because it makes uncertainty into certainty. To believe in ourselves, to believe in our views and fight for what is true and right, while knowing we might be wrong, is to live in constant uncertainty. It is scarier than any other thing, at least to me. It does, however, make all the difference.
To have faith in a political view while knowing we might not be right, and still argue its strengths against any opposition means a completely different type of dialogue. When we believe everything to be true as we know it, we judge others unfairly, just as they do us. It becomes a defensive and increasingly polarised conversation, although I would hesitate to call it conversation.
To approach someone with a different view from yours, having faith in your belief in spite of knowing you might not be right, means a different dialogue as well. We can approach the opposition with curiosity, rather than judgement. We can learn more about our own belief, as well as the other’s belief. Because we know we might not be right, we can be open to hearing what the other is saying, instead of trying to disprove them.
When we are born different it is so easy to fall into the same trap and judge those around us, but I wish the world would not make it so easy. I wish we could learn to love the uncertainty life brings, to not need to be right to feel safe and to be more compassionate towards those who are different from us: be it political, religious or any other kind of difference.
I believe we can learn so much from each other, we can definitely learn far more from those who disagree with us than those who agree. I am not saying it’s easy, I am not saying it won’t be painful, I am not saying we won’t all be terrified. I am simply saying that embracing uncertainty could possibly make way for a happier and more compassionate existence.
The thing is, we might be wrong, we might not be. I hope and wish that we would all stop being so scared of being wrong, or of being different, and learn to be comfortable knowing that we can be either and it’s okay. Yes, you never know with uncertainty, but honestly, you never really know about certainty either – we just think we do.
Of course, I could be wrong. What do you think?
