When I was younger, I would apologize all the time. It was a reflex, not because I felt I had done something wrong. It was more, I was sure someone would feel I had done something wrong and therefore I apologised because I didn’t want to offend or hurt anyone.
It became a reflex or maybe a bad habit.
Of course, I didn’t want anyone to feel bad if I had done something that was hurtful, so I felt it was important to apologise. It didn’t fix it, but I was sure it would make it a little better. The problem for me, what started the constant apologising, was that I couldn’t read people. I never understood if someone was sad or angry or happy. I still don’t really understand, but today I tend to rely on people telling me openly. Luckily, I have found a handful of true friends who, even though they live all over the world, seem to honestly like me and understand that it is not that I don’t care, but that I don’t know unless they tell me. Most people, like co-workers or classmates, however, don’t know me that well and even if I tell them to tell me, I can’t be sure that they will. I have experienced many times in my life where they didn’t, and things got back to me in the oddest ways.
When I was in university, I got the impression that people talked a lot about other people behind their back. I never said anything that I felt uncomfortable with the person themselves knowing I had said and I did my best to speak of for those who weren’t there, but I admit there were times where I was too afraid of what the consequences would be for me if I spoke my honest opinion and thus kept quiet when I should have been brave and spoken up for those who were being talked about behind their back. It was only because others told me what was said about me, just like I am sure others heard what was said about them, that I would learn if I had unwillingly hurt someone’s feelings. If you ask me, the whole situation was ridiculous, and I have done my best to avoid environments like that since.
Well, the point is that people are very difficult to read to me, especially when I was younger because I had a lot less training and practice reading body language and understanding the unwritten rules of society. Out of a constant fear and worry of hurting anyone, I started pre-emptively apologising if I ever got the feeling something was wrong – yes, I am sure I have apologised many, many times without cause, but to me it felt it was the only way to make sure that if I did something wrong at least the person who felt I was being cruel would know I was sorry. I really was sorry an awful lot of the time. I sometimes feel I spent most of my childhood being sorry without ever knowing why.
Later in life I suddenly realised saying sorry had become an impulse I could no longer control. Saying sorry had lost its meaning to me and instead become a sentence I added in between other sentences without any thought or importance. What had begun as a means to make people feel better had become the opposite – because it had no meaning to me, surely if I apologised and meant it people would notice. Wouldn’t they? Neurotypicals seem to rely a lot in intuition or ‘gut feeling’ when it comes to social situations. If I didn’t believe what I was saying, could they?
Not only that, I had somehow lost confidence in myself as a person. I kept thinking everyone had to be annoyed with me all the time even though I had no clue as to how people felt. I was always sure someone was angry or upset about something I had done and felt that I couldn’t do anything right. Maybe, it wasn’t that I lost confidence in myself as a person, but more that I had somehow created a belief about myself that I couldn’t do anything right and that no one liked me. It sounds dramatic, perhaps, but in reality, I feel I was just being silly. No one in this world can be disliked by everyone, right? And besides, I had friends who told me repeatedly that they cared about me. It didn’t seem right to not trust those few, most important friends of mine.
Not only that, but I didn’t want to feel bad about myself all the time. I always just assumed I had done something wrong, even when no one was around. I was afraid more often than not, because if someone gave me any kind of responsibility, surely, I would fail.
It’s not easy to live like that.
So, I decided to change it. My first challenge here was to become aware how often I said the words without realising it – yes, counting it was a little bit horrifying since it turned out I said it even more than I had first thought I did. Then, once I had become aware of how often, I started to stop myself from saying it. Not, as in never apologise at all. I tried to stop myself, think about the situation I was in and then, if I truly felt I had done something wrong, then I would apologise. If I felt I hadn’t really done something that deserved my apology, like simply existing in the same space as someone else or maybe humming or some silly thing like that, then I would just not apologise.
It didn’t change for a really long time. It literally took years for me to stop and that was just half the battle. Even after I stopped, I still struggled with feeling like I could do nothing right – like everything I touch breaks. I still struggled with believing my friends when they said they cared about me – I would lie if I said I wasn’t still struggling. I am better, though. I don’t just randomly and carelessly apologise for no reason (although once in a while, probably needlessly because I still tend to lean to the side of caution when it comes to this kind of thing). I apologise when I feel it is necessary, because I did something that wasn’t okay – doesn’t matter if it was intentional or not. When I realise it, I apologise right away without any delay because I feel it is important.
I feel better about myself too, even if I still feel that I am not as good, as likeable, as compassionate and caring or as clever as I would like. I don’t feel that everything that I do is wrong, but that I am constantly learning from all of my mistakes and that this will, in time if nothing else, continuously make me a better person
In order to get to the point where I could feel better about myself, I simply tried to be more forgiving about my mistakes. It is surely easier said than done, but I feel perhaps this is something very unique to each person. To me, it meant that every time I heard bad thoughts in my head about myself, I simply let the voice in my head rant and cry and yell at me as much as it wanted and then I let it go. In time, the voice became less ranting and more quiet. I didn’t fight the thoughts or argue back, I simply let it be and moved on. I didn’t dwell on it, but didn’t try to actively push the thoughts away. It was only a matter of time. I don’t know if there is an easier way, because it was rough to let those thoughts move through my mind unhindered, but I kept believing that in time they would become more quiet. Sure, that mean voice in my head is still complaining about things, but not nearly as much or as loudly as it used to. I barely notice it, most days, which really is a very nice change. That cruel, self-deprecating voice in our heads is enough to drive one mad, really, and it is something I have never met a person who didn’t have to deal with. Perhaps, we are all a bit mad?
Recently, I noticed this pattern in other people, and I can’t help wondering if they are struggling like I did or if they even notice their behaviour. They might not even care, even if they do. I tend to worry a lot about how I treat other people, and I understand that my level of worry is probably a bit too much. People can also take care of themselves, and they can most certainly speak their mind when they need to.
What about you? Have you ever been like I was, or have you noticed that behaviour in others? I can’t help but feel that this behaviour isn’t healthy for one’s self-love and mentality, but perhaps to others it doesn’t affect them as it affected me.
