I recently wrote a post about holding yourself back in front of others. One of the things I realised, was that it is important to balance how much you hold back. When I talk a lot, it is often because I lose myself a little, not because I am free and happy. Maybe, the cause of it, for me at least, is more related to anxiety and stress than a true happy moment talking about something I enjoy.
This month the queen of my country abdicated and her son, the then crown prince, became king. As chance would have it, an old friend I haven seen for 7 years was visiting during this special weekend. He had been living in London about a year and will go back home to Japan soon, so it happened accidentally that he was here that day. We ended up spending the weekend enjoying the sights of the Capital and the surrounding cities and I was reminded of something I had all but forgotten.
There was a time, seven years ago, when I was living in a small flat in Tokyo with my best friend right next door. Back then I was a smoker and we would meet almost every day on our balconies, she on her side of the wall that separated the balconies and me on my side, and we would smoke and talk about life and all sorts of silly things. She never once seemed unhappy with me and I never felt like I had lost myself and spoken too much. Sometimes, talking wasn’t even necessary. We would just relax and stare at the night sky, happy side by side. It seems like a dream now and I will never know if she felt as happy as I did during those days, but I will never forget that feeling – not again.
I had forgotten, you see, and now I feel terrible that I could forget how wonderful I was feeling. Back then, I felt freer than I ever have before or since.
My days were simple, I get up and eat a simple breakfast of rice and natto and enjoy my coffee on the balcony if the weather permitted. Then I would get my things and either bike to university or, when I was feeling lazy, take the monorail. I knew exactly where my friends would be and sometimes, I would go study with them or go to class, but I was there as a research student, so I also had to do research – obviously. I had a desk in a small office that I shared with two Chinese girls and a Japanese boy, all also doing their own research. We didn’t talk much, but we were friendly, and I was happy there. I had lunch in the school cafeteria, sometimes alone and sometimes not. I would meet up with friends in the evening, sometimes going to a batting centre or sometimes going for drink in the weekends. My life was so simple. I was well and truly happy. I didn’t hold myself back and I remember thinking to myself: “Oh, so this is what friendship means.”
Studying was tough, and I remember complaining, but I was never really struggling. I felt free to be me just as I am and felt loved because I was. I can’t help but feel that those wonderful friends would recognise who I have become today.
Coming back home from Japan was hard. I had what people refer to as a reverse-culture shock (and a pretty bad one at that) followed by a complete and utter mental break down – I had pushed myself too hard for too long. I had my diagnosis and self-isolated for at least about a year, then slowly tried to re-emerge into society. It wasn’t easy and I met some bad people, but I couldn’t tell they were bad before it was too late. I think, those experiences broke my heart more than it had ever been broken before. I lost faith in life and everyone in it.
My friend who visited, I shall call him the Jedi, was free like I had been once. He seemed so happy and young and pure, it made me feel lost and old and broken.
I am happy the Jedi came and visited, because I now remember what I used to be like. I wasn’t exactly like him, but spending the weekend with him without thinking or worrying, was enough to make me see more clearly what I have become.
My best friend, she is still my best friend even if we hardly speak and even though she has been living in Japan ever since I left. She had baby girl in December and has made a beautiful life for herself. She is one of my favourite people in the whole world and it’s no wonder I haven’t been able to find anyone like her here. There’s only one of her and she is in a faraway land creating her own life on her terms.
I have other friends who are also right up there, some of the most brilliant people in the world, and yes, they live far away, and we hardly meet or talk. I think I was missing them, and you know what? That’s fair.
I compared a handful of lovely friends to everyone I meet here, and that’s not fair. I never felt like I fit in here in my own country and maybe I don’t. It’s where I am now, so I have make the best of it.
The Jedi, for some odd reason, saw me as I used to be – happy and free. Through his eyes I was able to see myself and maybe that’s enough to break free and be happy again.
The friends I have met here or will meet here in the future, they will never be like my old friends. My old friends who taught me was friendship is, they will always be a part me even if they aren’t a part of my everyday life. I miss them every day and all the time, maybe mostly, because I am afraid, we will never meet again. It’s a scary thought to be forever parted from the very few people who see you and care for you as you are. But that doesn’t have to be the case.
It was proven, without a doubt, that friends like the Jedi, someone I never thought I would talk to or see again, can show up in your life when you least expect it.
The people I have met here, or will meet, they should not suffer because I miss my old friends. I should not continue to hold myself back, because I know what it feels like to be accepted now and the pain of not being accepted is too great for me to bear. It hurts, though, and makes me miss my friends even more when I am not accepted or made to feel stupid by the people I meet here. It hurts.
The thing is, even if they are not the friends I want, the people I meet here now are the friends I might have and that could be pretty great. Before I met my old friends, they were strangers to me. Maybe, amongst all the people around, exists some wonderful new friendships for me to explore. You never know, unless you give others a chance, right?
