A sure way to feel lonely or isolated is when we are alone with our interests. Those of us on the spectrum tend to hyper focus on things and get very excited about something (anything from trains, Star Wars or frogs) for either short periods of time to a life time. I am always most fascinated by those who dedicate a lifetime to pursue their passions – I am not like that. When I am super interested in something I try to learn all I can about it and think about it constantly, until I suddenly loose interest. Then I am stuck in a black hole until I find something else to dedicate myself to for a while.
To be honest, I have never really shared anything with anyone before, maybe because I never stick to anything for long enough, maybe because I am awkward and shy socially (at least with people I don’t know very well), or perhaps because my interests have always been strange and unappealing to most of the normal people I have met, either in school or at work. All my interests have been interests I have enjoyed in solitude and that can get a bit lonely. Not that I feel lonely most of the time, it’s more that I often end up feeling disconnected from those around me because I feel a part of me is always hidden.
Even my closest friends look at me like I am utterly mad if I forget myself for a moment and talk too much on a topic because I either misunderstand their interest or don’t understand whatever neon neurotypical sign they are flashing saying I need to shut up.
So, I hold back. I try to not talk too much about the things I care about, because I feel like I have never once met anyone who actually enjoyed that part of who I am. I try, sometimes, just because maybe someone, one day, will see me and feel that I am great just as I am, but in the end, I always end up feeling slightly sad that I talked too much because people don’t like it and get frustrated with me.
I have some wonderful friends, some that I disagree with, some that I am afraid of, some that I think are brilliant, some that are almost as silly as I am, but not a single friend who get excited about things that I do or with whom I can share my interests freely without feeling bad about being annoying or wasting their time. No one who will play the kind of video games I want to play, no one who will watch the films I want to watch or read books and talk about them.
I tried. People are always saying, hey it’s the age of communication and online dating and if people can find love through an app, surely finding a friend can’t be too much of a challenge. Go online and find someone to play games with or someone to talk literature with.
They say that, but maybe because they are neurotypical, it’s easier for them? I can’t read people even if they flash a giant sign in front of my face, how am I supposed to deal with the stress of online friends? I tried to find people online – I try to talk to people, but I never meet interesting people. I am sure most of them are nice, but they all seem boring and honestly, I am pretty sure I must seem boring to them too.
The friends I have are great and we do other things. I watched Jekyll and Hyde from 1931 with a friend a few months back at a movie theatre and it happened because I said I wanted to go watch an old black and white film, then she the suggested this particular film. I love that she wanted to go with me and actually wanted to see this film, because the experience was so much better than when only one person wants to watch a film and the other just goes with. It made me sad, because it is not an experience I have very often – I often just go with someone to watch whatever they want to watch.
The older we get, the more relaxed we get about things that used to matter a whole lot when we were younger. Perhaps because of this, we can start to see ourselves more clearly and accept who we are in a way that can be difficult to do when we are young.
I have always struggled with the fact that, when I am very interested in something, I get a bit obsessed. You have seen the stereotypical version of the child with autism speaking incessantly for half an hour about something the other person has no interest in, like maybe variations of butterflies in gardens in the south of Germany? If you are interested in variations of butterflies in gardens in the south of Germany, then I bet you, that half hour would be exceptionally interesting and fun – but anyone else would probably feel like their brain started to melt. The brain-melting person would give hints and try to make the child stop talking, but the child doesn’t understand and continues their enthusiastic monologue.
Yeah. I was that child, only my interest wasn’t variations of butterflies in gardens in the south of Germany, but a lot of other things. My interests changed a lot, because I have always been a terribly curious human being. As an adult, I have come to learn how to interpret when people want me to stop talking about something that interests me and makes me happy, but when I am happy I get too caught up in whatever I am talking about and I miss the signs I have learned to read. I was never good at reading the signs in the first place and it is so very difficult even at the best of times for me to get most social cues. I doubt anyone, except others on the spectrum, will ever really understand the pressure and hard work that goes into any social interaction for someone like me.
Well, can you see where this is going yet?
Never once in my whole life have I ever met a single human being (perhaps other than my mother, because mothers are generally rather forgiving of their children) who accepted or appreciated all of my joy. No one ever said “awesome” or “brilliant” if I got excited about something, all they ever said was not nice things or the got tired and interrupted asking me to stop.
So I did.
I stopped.
I stay in control and try to not talk too much, because people always, always dislike it when I do. Sure, people say they don’t mind right up until you accidentally do talk a bit too much about something and get excited, and when that happens, they don’t want it to hear it anyone. Maybe they don’t understand when I try to explain how I am, maybe they only say they don’t mind or something to be polite. I don’t know. It doesn’t even really matter.
What matters is that because I felt I had to hold myself back, I held myself back. It’s not just based on a feeling, because when I was younger, I talked to people about this and the advice I got has helped improve my social interactions a lot.
When I get tired, drained, frustrated or forget myself I talk a lot more because I forget to hold back. I forget to stop talking or I talk too loud or too quiet. I hate those moments, because people always comment on it or make fun of me. I am definitely too sensitive and I understand that sometimes people don’t mean what they say in the exact way that they say it, but I can’t tell the difference.
I don’t know what I would be like if I didn’t hold myself – specifically my happiness – back. I wish more than anything now that I could meet just single person who would laugh with me and enjoy my excitement. Someone I could be happy with without holding back. The thing is, if I did, I would panic. I don’t know how to deal with that.
I also won’t know if someone can accept the happy me if I always hold back.
There is only one thing to do. I have to, once in a while, allow myself to hold back a little less. Open up and let a bit more of my happiness out and see what happens.
The friends I have might not except it, but maybe they will. They might not ever want to do what I want (even if I beg and ask them to do something, like go and watch a film I really want to see), but maybe we can find some sort of compromise like I did when I watched Jekyll and Hyde with my friend.
If I want someone to play a video game or a specific board game with, it won’t happen even if I meet someone who’d want to play it with me, if I am not ready when I meet that person. If I want to play a specific board game, I can learn the rules properly, so that if I ever meet someone who wants to play, I’ll be able to. I think, there must be plenty of ways to make sure we are ready to do something when the opportunity arises. I am such a coward. I know. I could definitely be too afraid to play a board game I want to play if someone ever wants to play it with me.
I guess, we have to be somewhat prepared to go for something we want if the opportunity, however unexpected, ever comes our way. Or, perhaps, it’ll be like when I wanted to play pokemon on my Gameboy when I was little and got both the red and the blue version because no one wanted to play with me. I wasn’t sad at all, because I made the best of what I had. I had a lot of fun and if anyone had ever wanted to play, you bet I would have been ready for it.
