You would not believe how often people have accused me of having a cold heart, of being unable to feel empathy or affection for anyone. Nothing can be farther from the truth, however, even if I don’t express it as they themselves do. I have most certainly loved – especially those who have accused me of being unable to. I have been in relationships before, I’ve had my heart broken and felt the flutter of butterflies in my stomach as often as anyone else. Expressing my feelings has always been difficult for me. It was never difficult because I didn’t try to express myself or knew how, it was difficult because I felt I clearly expressed every feeling I had by speaking it in plain words or expressing my love in whatever way was natural to me.
In my own mind, I was always a very affectionate creature. I could never understand that people didn’t acknowledge my love and for years I was afraid I was not able to love. If everyone tells you that you are not able to love, then how can I not worry about whether or not they are right? I worry exactly because I am able to love and I hate that I cannot express my love in a way that others can see or feel.
I may be embarrassed from just holding hands in public, but that does not mean I dislike the person who wants to hold my hand. I am shy when it comes to physical touch, because generally I dislike it. When I am in love or have a crush on someone, however, I don’t mind most of the time. The reason being, I feel comfortable and safe with that person and to me, any touch is an extremely intimate gesture. I don’t even like to hug my family very often (although the occasion does occasionally call for such displays of affection because it means a lot to other people).
When I was young, I thought I would be able to change and forced myself to, for example, hold someone’s hand when I really didn’t want to, or hug a family member when it made me feel really sick on the inside, and I did so, simply because they felt better because of it.
Can you imagine what happens when you force yourself to do things like hold the hand of a possible romantic partner when you don’t like it? Soon, negative emotions will cloud whatever positive emotions you felt in connection to that person. Instead, I was filled with frustration, pain and sadness mixed with a dose of constant anxiety, since I never knew when something that would make me feel bad would happen or how long I would have to suffer from it.
It was similar with my family. I would feel anxious for days before going to meet my family, I would feel sick all time while being in their company from fear and anxiety for not knowing when someone would hug me or shake my hand, or even just put a hand on my shoulder – a gesture I particularly dislike because I am very sensitive when it comes to my neck. I once had a very bad experience where someone tried to strangle me and so, whenever someone put their hand on my shoulder, I would feel an intense moment of fear.
Oddly enough, when I stopped trying to force myself to behave in a way that was truly harmful to my mental state, a lot of things happened. I guess, maybe it’s not really that odd.
Well, at first there was a lot of awkward moments where I was constantly trying to explain to others how I don’t like physical contact, but over time, people got used to it and the benefits clearly outweigh the embarrassment and awkwardness. I do, if necessary, shake hands with people I don’t know, but because it is not something I have to worry about in my daily life, I don’t mind much. Many people seem to find a strange comfort in such things and so, I don’t mind once in a while.
One time, a girlfriend of a family member did something that truly distressed me though. I understand that she wanted to be kind, but I felt it was very unkind and rude to do what she did.
Before arriving at a family gathering, where we would meet many of her friends and family for the first time, she had told everyone that I don’t like physical contact and asked them not to shake hands with me. She decided to tell me this, the moment I stepped through the door and then she introduced me to this large group of people who all stopped talking between themselves and stared at me in silence.
I was utterly mortified and the surprise that she had taken the matter into her own hands without even asking my opinion on the matter made me completely shut down. I had no idea what explanations she had given or how she had even talked to them about it, but I knew she had said enough for everyone to stare at me and not dare to say anything about it at all.
It was awkward every time I talked to someone that day and even now, I am terrified of all her relations. I had small breakdown and it took me a while to get better from it. Surprise is one of the worst things for me and surprising me with something like this, in a room filled with strangers in a place I didn’t know – it just utterly crushed my spirit for a good while.
At the time, I was open about my diagnosis with my family and close friends, but it certainly wasn’t something I was ready for completely strangers to know without me knowing about it. I was still, at the time, uncertain as to how this diagnosis would affect me and my life. I was still trying to understand myself and my past, because everything was somehow different after learning that I was on the spectrum.
I tell you this story, not because I blame her for what she did or feel upset about it now, but because making changes will always bring unforeseen consequences. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to change things for the better, it only means we need to fight for those changes once in a while. In spite of what happened, I continued to fight for myself and now – today – if something similar were to happen again, I would not care at all. Okay, maybe a little. It would never be that bad again, though.
I have come to accept who I am (or perhaps, I have come to accept that I am still trying to figure out who I am) and I don’t feel like my diagnosis is anything but a gift. I don’t care what people think or say about me and my diagnosis, but I do care if people come to me wanting to know more. I love when people want to learn about autism, because I sincerely believe that being diagnosed is not just us getting an official freak stamp or anything like that.
When I tell people about my diagnosis today, when I say that I am autistic or on the spectrum, I let them know for their sake. I know myself and I understand that other people are not like me. Other people do not really understand this no matter what I tell them, in spite of this, I tell others because of them. I want them to understand that I am not like they are, that I am different.
A diagnosis can help us understand what makes us different, so that we can find what makes us similar together.
I believe that if I had known and accepted my diagnosis earlier in life, things could have been different. My relationship to those who truly matter in my family has improved because neither of us assume things about each other like before. They recognize my oddities and accept it as it is, in turn I accept theirs as well. I can be more relaxed in the company of those I care about. What is even more amazing, even if I cannot feel their affection for me, I starting to believe in it. Even if they could not understand me before, or perhaps could not feel that I care about them, they understand now that I don’t express myself as they do – they have started to see that I care.
The fact that I don’t express my feelings as others do can sometimes give me much trouble in different ways too, because at other times, people assume I care more about something or someone than I actually do. People have thought me completely in love with a person I barely even liked and the person I had a crush on thought me completely disinterested.
This has caused so many misunderstandings between myself and my friends – especially with romantic partners – and I myself was never aware of it. I have no idea why people do not understand how I express myself, because to me it is perfectly clear. I have no idea how to express myself more clearly than I already do, so in the past when I was accused of not loving someone, I had no way to refute it – at least, I had no way to refute it in a way the other person would believe. In that case, what is anyone to do?
Now that I am open about being on the spectrum, even if someone doesn’t truly understand my own reasoning, at least there is an opportunity for creating better understanding between us. If my friend or partner understand just the fact that I don’t express myself as most people normally do, then that is a great beginning. Relationships are never easy, romantic or not, and just understanding that we are different is more than I ever had before. People judged me and refused to accept my explanations and so – naturally – I slowly gave up finding good friends and relationships. Now, I am actually starting to hope that all my relationships may improve over time.
I believe that understanding and accepting each other’s differences is the first step to finding commonalities and mutual affection. Refusing to accept that someone else is different may rob us of wonderful interactions with other people and wouldn’t that be a shame? Even if we disagree or express ourselves in different ways, it doesn’t mean we have nothing in common or can never find love and affection together. All it means is that interactions may be a lot more interesting than if we had only interacted with people who thought, felt and behaved exactly like we do. Don’t you think?
