I am so very lucky, so very privileged and that makes me feel even worse sometimes. There are times, like these days, when all I want to do is to hide somewhere. To go into hibernation like a bear and not return until after winter has ended and everything begins anew.
Right now, it feels a lot like wintertime, in spite of the fact that spring is clearly visible outside my window. My beautiful baby magnolia has two pretty little star-like flowers, daffodils are in fool bloom and cherry blossom leaves are already starting to fall and yet, to me it still feels like winter.
I feel isolated, cold and sleepy. Every day is mainly working out, eating and sleeping. I am trying really hard to avoid another shoulder surgery and so rehabilitation is my main focus every day. I am on sick leave and I want to use the time I am given as best I can.
The result is that I am either really tired or really hungry all the time. I am either sore from working out or in pain because of my injury. If I am not hungry, I am sleepy and trying to stay awake. If I am not sleepy, I am hungry.
I don’t know if I’ll make it in time, but my progress is quite good, I feel. I think if things continue like this, I might be able to avoid another surgery this summer.
It’s lonely work, though. Not only is it lonely, but I am also trying to accept that I cannot continue attending culinary school. I tried so hard to find a new dream, a new path, and in spite of all that, it might not work out in the end.
I know everything will be fine if I can find it in myself to trust in my own abilities, but that is pretty difficult too. I feel like a failure, but on the other hand, everything I ever did didn’t fail – just an awful lot of the important things I wanted.
I don’t want to tell people that I failed yet again, though. I am sad about it and I don’t really want to talk about it with anyone else. If I quit, however, I have to talk to people about it. People are already asking questions in my family and encouraging me to “fight for it” – like I should continue at all costs.
But I don’t want to sacrifice my health for this. I don’t think any job or career is worth so much physical pain. When they tell me to fight for it, I feel like they don’t understand how much pain I have suffered while attending culinary school. I simply don’t think my body can handle it. I know that might make me weak, but I would rather admit to my own weakness than I would break my body entirely. At least like this I still have the chance to find something else to do with my life.
I want to hide a little longer though. I work out and eat and sleep and get up and do it all again every day. All I really want right now is to hide from everything. I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. This change was really quite difficult for me and it ending in failure, even more so.
I tried many different kinds of help; I asked for help from the people who are supposed to give support to those who need it at the culinary school and it all failed spectacularly, I asked for help from a teacher who had approached us and told us to come to her if we needed support or were troubled by anything and that failed too – I think she might really dislike me now, she even told everyone I quit culinary school even though I am just on sick leave, I asked for physiotherapy and that didn’t go well either and lastly, I asked my doctor for help and well… nothing really came from that – not sure if she thinks I am just annoying (I have gone to see some specialists, though, I’ll talk more about that later in a different post) and lastly I tried yet again to get help with my possible PTSD from a psychiatrist who were supposed to send me off to special support somewhere else – that ended up as an epic failure as well. (I’ll link to a post specifically about that here when I upload it)
On top of all that, I’ve tried my very best to get along with my new classmates in the hope that I might get a new friend or even just that I’d find some people I could enjoy working with. That was completely unsuccessful as well.
I have interacted with so many people these last few months, now I am exhausted.
I feel like my world, which was so beautiful and filled with hope and colours not too long ago, is now covered with a heavy layer of snow. Sound is muffled and the light is too bright. I want to find a dark place, a warm and safe place, and hide until the snow melts and I wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the world.
I am not a social being and all this interacting with others for no reason at all, because nothing I attempted these last 5 months actually succeeded, has simply drained me. I feel like I have no energy left.
The worst part is, I am actually fine with the outcomes of all these things; I don’t need any of it to be happy, because my happiness isn’t dependent on something that exists outside of me. My happiness comes from inside of me, which may sound silly, because then why did I try all these things?
Because happiness is not as simple as that. I don’t need any of the things that I tried to do or get, but I won’t be happy if I just hide away either. If I go somewhere to sleep until summer, then I will simply be asleep. I want to live, even though I want to hide as well.
You know what I realised? It’s okay to feel like this. As long as I try to balance it, it’ll be fine. I will probably isolate myself much more than usual and I might also not get as much done as I want to get done, but the fact is this: I am tired. I worked really hard mentally for months and now I am working really hard physically. No wonder I am tired.
At least for a little while it is okay to be tired and do less. I need to keep doing some things, like I need to write this blog and actually upload my posts (I currently have 2 months of unpublished posts waiting to be uploaded) and I need to think about my future – not just a little, I need to really think about it seriously. Other than that, I’ll be fine.
I am on sick leave and my main focus is rehabilitation. It’s fine to take some time and take good care of myself, because I am worth it and so are you.
I guess, what I want to say to you, is that it’s okay to be tired no matter your circumstances. If you are tired, rest a bit, but don’t hide away hoping that summer will be different. If you fall asleep like that, you might wake up like that too. Then what was the point?
I want to try and allow myself to be tired, to say no to social interaction if I can’t handle it and to not force myself to push myself beyond my limits. We all have periods like this. I want to treat myself with the same compassion and care that I treat others. You should really do the same.
