Now that I have a path in front of me, a future and the chance to actually work and gain independence, I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do differently from now on.
I know that I don’t want to make too many of the same mistakes again because it’s time to go out and make entirely new mistakes and learn from that. I also feel very certain that I approached my life in a way that wasn’t very positive before and I need that to change.
When I was at university, I felt guilty the entire time. I didn’t read as much for my own pleasure as I used to, because I felt bad if I wasn’t studying. The professors always made it clear that no one would be able to get through the entire curriculum and the material we would have to add ourselves, but that we should still try.
I never read everything we had to read or do all the homework we had to do, but I struggled constantly to get through it. I was always so close to get through it all, but then the semester would end and I would think I could get through the last part before classes started again – but I never did.
I always reached this strange level of exhaustion where I was barely able to function. Of course, it was in part because the social pressure and the general expectation everyone had that one needed to be social that was truly killing me. I was so drained I didn’t even prioritise doing things I like because I didn’t have the energy to be happy. Yes, it sounds silly, but it’s the truth.
During my university days I had moved to the capital to attend Copenhagen University, but I was from the countryside and the big city was very different and so were the people living there.
I used to cycle around the city with a big tourist map because I got lost all the time. Where I grew up people would just meet up “by the library” or “next to the bank” or something like that, because there was just one library or one bank. In the city, there were more than one of everything. People would say street names and expected that everyone knew where that was, but I hardly ever used street names for anything before.
Not only that, but people would also meet up in coffee shops or eat out in fancy restaurants – which apparently were not fancy to them, only to me. I never went to restaurants regularly; restaurants were for special occasions. The people in the big city spent so much money on a cup of coffee and I almost had a heart attack the first time I had to pay for one. I had bought coffee in coffee shops before, but it was again always for special occasions.
Needless to say, rent was higher in the city and, well, everything was just more expensive. I had to work part time to survive and work even harder if I wanted to be a part of any social events.
My life was nothing but struggling through classes and homework, part time work in as many places as I could, student politics and trying to fit in with the people in my year. I didn’t have time to think about my life, my identity, my likes or my dislikes. Every day was a constant fight against the clock. I didn’t study because I enjoyed it, I studied to get through our curriculum.
If I started university again, I would do things differently, but honestly, I don’t know if university was ever the right place for me. At least, I don’t think it was back then, but I also don’t know if anything would have been better for me had I done something else. I wasn’t okay and I didn’t know how to be okay, so probably I would have messed up whatever had done at the time.
Soon I will meet the people I’ll be going to culinary school with and I am absolute terrified of it. I’ll talk more about that in my next post, so for now, suffice to say that I don’t want to fall back into old patterns.
You see, I figured out how to be happy, yes, but I didn’t figure out how to be happy and around other people at the same times yet. I’ll figure it out one day, but hopefully sooner rather than later.
It’s all about time, and yes, it’s about time in more ways than one.
In spite of all my struggles, in the end, I graduated university with a master’s degree and no particular skills whatsoever. However, I realised that happiness and the development of skills are connected to the same thing – time, and more importantly, how we spent our time in pursuit of those things.
You probably think that should have been obvious, right? But actually, it’s much more than just this and even though we understand the words, we may not truly grasp the meaning hidden within them.
Let’s start with time and the development of skills. I spent so much time studying, but developing a skill is not merely about actual the time you invest in that skill, it is also about how you spent your time: how you practice or how you study. It is, of course, also about the amount of time you devote to your improvement.
I am not competitive at all, so I never compared myself or my skills with anyone else – except to re-affirm how useless I am. I always just compared myself to myself the day before. I aim to be better than I was yesterday, for example, but I don’t ever aim to be the level of someone else.
I don’t think I need to compare or compete with others, but I do need to decide how good I want to be.
I need to determine what level of skill I want. To aim to be as good as someone else is not a bad thing. It should be an adjustable goal, however, not the end goal. If I reach the level that I wanted I need to be able to re-adjust and aim even higher instead of stagnating.
Then, when I know how good I want to be, I need to pay the price. We all need to pay the price and that price is always paid with time. There’s more to it than that, of course, but at its core, it’s time.
If I want to be medium level, let’s say top 50%, then I need to invest the time and energy needed for that. I need to do what those other lower 50% are not capable of doing – well, capable or willing to, I guess. I would love to play piano like my grandmother, but I am not willing to pay the required price.
I hate when people say we can do anything and that we should “follow our hearts”, not because we shouldn’t follow our hearts, but because there are certain things that might make it more difficult or even impossible.
If I start playing guitar at the age of 33, as I just have, then no matter how much time I spent on it, I will never get as good as someone who started playing at the age of 14 for example, unless that person stops practising. It’s not meant to be a depressing idea, but a sobering realisation.
We need to prioritise our time in a way that both makes us happy and gives us time to develop the skills we desire to develop. It doesn’t mean I can never become a great guitarist, but I need to invest the time necessary to become great. If I want to be in the top 10% than I need to do what those other 90% don’t.
Now, as much as I love playing the guitar, I also love other things in my life, and no one can be an expert at everything. I know what level I want to reach when it comes to playing the guitar and so I try to prioritise accordingly.
When we practice or study we need to figure out how good we want to be in order to study or practice accordingly – if not we might end up like me just stumbling through life without any skills and little happiness.
I used to think that because I didn’t need to be better than anyone else, I would never really have to pressure myself or be too uncomfortable while studying or practising. I didn’t study in university to reach a certain skill level, I studied to pass my exams. I didn’t need to be exceptional, but passable. I ought to be able to enjoy myself most of the time on some level.
That is probably the biggest mistake I made.
There’s a difference between learning and using a skill. My major was Japanese studies and even though I was not a language student, I did occasionally have to study the language as well. I didn’t separate between using the language and learning the language and thus, assumed I could be somewhat comfortable all the time.
But, when I am out with friends and we all speak Japanese, or when I watch a Japanese film or even when I listen to Japanese music, I am using my language skills and can be comfortable and relaxed.
When I am studying, however, I always have to be slightly outside my established comfort zone. That doesn’t mean that the before mentioned situations are not opportunities for learning, they most certainly are, but they don’t have to be. It’s okay to not push myself during those situations.
It is not okay, however, to not push myself when I am learning. Learning is by definition improving our knowledge and skills; thus, it has to be something we either can’t do or don’t know. It’s always going to be at least a little uncomfortable.
Learning something new is like going on a first date; it can be exciting and nerve-wrecking all at the same time. No matter how much you know someone, going out on a first date with that special someone is always a little bit uncomfortable, not because you are not comfortable with that person, but because we are with that person in a completely unknown way. Even if you are deeply in love, perhaps even more so, you get nervous, right? Nervous or scared or worried and be honest, we all think those feelings are a little uncomfortable even if we enjoy feeling them in this particular context.
Learning is like that. We need to push ourselves forward and constantly stay just outside the limits of our comfort zone. It’s that magical area that is neither so far from our comfort zone that we give up and yet not so close that we don’t improve.
I was afraid for a while when I realised that, because I was worried learning a new skill would always just be uncomfortable and painful, but then I realised it’s only part of it.
When we use our skills, we get to enjoy the results of the time and effort we already invested and also, more importantly, it’s not always terribly to be a little outside our comfort zone and be a little uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s the best part. Some first dates are brilliant and even though we start out nervous, we end up in a special place and feel more relaxed and comfortable than we ever thought possible.
When I start culinary school, I need to balance my priorities differently than before. What we invest is what we get in return, so I need to figure out how good I want to be. I don’t want to stop learning to play guitar and I don’t want to give up on improving my Japanese skills. I want to prioritise this blog and my writing, and I still want to have time to play video games, be social once in a while and watch films or TV series. I feel like it might be too much, but I am not willing to give up any of these things.
Why? Because how I prioritise my time is part of what makes me happy. Doing these things, developing new skills and still having the time to stop and look at the beautiful scenery around me makes me happy.
I think what I will be doing differently in the future – what I am already doing differently now – is prioritising my time better. I choose to spend my time on what makes me happy and I am willing to pay the price to develop certain skills to a specific level.
Only thing I need to do is balance it all. It’s not easy, I will certainly have to give up reaching the top levels of all the things I do, but I feel like that’s okay. Rather than struggling in all areas and never being happy or satisfied and always stressed, like I was during my university days, I feel happy and calm choosing more deliberately how I spent the time I am given.
Choosing what skills truly are important to me and accepting that I cannot excel at everything is not easy, but it makes happier than trying too much all at once. I never excelled at anything, because I wanted to be good at everything I decided to do.
Right now, I am not happy every moment of my day, I still worry and I still don’t know how I want to prioritise the things that are important to me, but I am happy that I am figuring it out and even though I have difficult days, all in all I am very happy indeed.
What my priorities are today, may not be the same priorities I will have in the future. Some things affect our priorities and rightly so.
Relationships, having children, work, new interests and more can all affect what matters to us in life and we should not forget that. I want to give everything I have to pursue my goals now even if, in five years’ time, I won’t be aiming for it anymore.
I think happiness is all about how we spend our time and even if I let go of dreams and hopes, even if I move on, even if I stop developing a skill and lose it, I want to look back and know that I enjoyed it while it lasted. I want to know that I did all that I could to be happy and that I have spent my days well.
