Sometimes, you’ll see someone on the autism spectrum break down. You can see a strong reaction; some may even strike at whoever is hurting them. It’s not something they do because they are evil or mean or bad people – they might even really like whoever they hit or pushed. We all react in whatever way we can to survive. Yes, you heard me right. Or read, in this case. It’s not something we really have control over.
I used to be different when I was a child. I was far more active and outgoing, and I showed my dislike or frustration much more visibly than I do today. At some point while growing up all the reaction that used to be directed away from me changed direction. I started directing in inwards.
So, you might not even notice when something affects me in a bad way. Not just because I hide it, but because what happens to me is that I shut down.
It can happen anytime. Sometimes, it’s something someone said. Sometimes, it’s something I have to do that I really can’t. My only way of surviving in that situation, not necessarily now, but I’ll get back to that, is to do what I can only call “shut down”. My emotions get locked away, my brain functions only on a bare minimum and my body is moving on autopilot. I get into a sort of zombie existence – I’m not really there, but I’m not really dead either.
When I shut down, I am fully aware, objectively, of what is happening, but I can’t control my actions. My body does what needs to be done, my head and my words simulate human life, but in reality, I am tucked away somewhere in the dark.
If I need to walk further than I am able to, my body hurts, I’m getting blisters and maybe I am even dehydrated, if that happens I can turn off the pain and continue walking for as long as needed. Now, it’s not like I am a superhuman. It’s maybe not so much as long as needed, but rather I’m able to walk until I pass out or fall over. Physically, this makes sense, right? A lot of people are like that. They can push on past pain and do what is needed. The thing is that at the exact moment I “turn on” again I feel it all. I feel the pain, the exhaustion and the need for water. I feel everything much more intensely as well, because I suppressed it for so long.
It’s not impossible to deal with it when it’s just a physical state. I know my body well enough to be able to tell if I shut down, and when I notice that it is happening, I can stop myself from exhausting myself physically. I can take a break, make sure to get some water even if I don’t feel I need it or I can try and get a taxi instead of walking. As long as no one else is involved, I can deal with this just fine. Other people tend to complicate things.
When this happens in a social situation it’s a lot worse. It can be something someone else says or does, it can be something I see that I can’t handle – it can literally be anything.
Once, for example, someone shouted at me and complained about how I was talking a lot about something and putting a lot of pressure on them. The person was upset because she felt I should have known better and stopped talking. This is something that happened quite a lot to me when I was younger, but even at the age of 31 it was still happening.
I try to stop myself if I notice that I talk too much about one thing, but generally when that happens, I’m scared or nervous already. Realising that I talked too much doesn’t make it easier to calm down, especially when you don’t know if the other person will shout at you in a moment or not. You might think people don’t do that, but you’d be surprised. People, especially people we don’t know, raise their voice and talk badly to each other quite often.
Back to my story. She shouted and I obviously started apologising a lot and tried to explain that I am autistic and don’t read social cues that well. She didn’t calm down but left very angry. I was so scared while it happened, that I shut down completely. It was back before I was actively aware of what was happening and I was reacting to survive, rather than trying to live.
I shut down so that I wouldn’t have a meltdown right there on the street. I got on the train and managed to somehow get home, but even then, I couldn’t just turn on.
It feels a little like being outside of my body looking in. I know what is going on, but I’m not there. It takes great effort and sometimes a lot of time to pull myself back into my body again. I wasn’t better for a long time and I haven’t seen her since. I wouldn’t be able to see her without shutting down again because that one thing completely broke me.
To you, it might seem silly that just one interaction can make me like that, but what you need to understand is that it’s not just one interaction. It’s every day, every moment of my life.
Every time I see people, be it strangers on the street or long-time friends, I struggle with myself and fight not to shut down.
There are so many, many times in life when I have been in situations that were beyond what I could handle and the only way to survive for me was to simply withdraw from the situation, to shut down and not exist. The more I shut down, the easier it got. The more I shut down, the more difficult it becomes to force myself back into my body again. It’s so much easier not to feel the pain or the hurt, not to have to deal with the frustration or the sadness or anything. The problem is all those things don’t go away just because I go away for a while. When I come back and trust me, I do end up coming back to myself again, it’s all there waiting for me and it becomes unbearable.
I don’t know why, but I can’t shut down forever. I stay shut down for longer periods the more I do, but at some point, I end up back in my body and I feel everything I fought so very hard to not feel.
Doing things that I like to do, such as playing video games, can pull me back into my body. So, if I need to sustain a shutdown longer, I need to avoid all things I like. Eating delicious food or even something like sitting by a window and looking out into the rain, especially the sound of rain is calming my mind.
I guess I answered my own question there. The reason I can’t stay shut down for ever is because, even when we try to avoid things we like, at some point it happens in spite of what we want. Sometimes, something we didn’t expect to like is far more enjoyable than expected and boom, back into the body I go.
Also, it rarely happens instantaneously. It is more like a long journey, going back into the body or “turning on” if you like that better. When I shut down it happens in the blink of an eye, one moment I’m here and then I’m gone in the next.
The longest I’ve ever been shut down is… well, I honestly don’t know. Many months, definitely. If you don’t count the brief moments in between some of the worst times, maybe years.
Right now, I’m still coming out of a shut down. It has taken me months to get to where I am now, but I am getting better every day. Not by much, but it doesn’t need to be. I just need to make progress.
Being social, in any way, and right away I can feel the pull – the need or desire – to shut down. I have to actively suppress the urge constantly if I want or have to interact with others, and it is more draining than almost any other thing I ever did.
Living permanently, more or less at least, shut down is just not an option for me anymore. I want to be happy, do things I love, make delicious food and all the other things I have always tried to deny myself.
Now, I think the ability to shut down is not inherently a bad skill. It can be very useful and a great help if utilised properly. The problem only comes when it is over-used and prohibits us from living the life that we want or if we end up in situations that are harmful to us. Seeing that friend again, the one who shouted at me, is not something I think I will ever do.
The entire time we knew each other she always treated me like an adorable idiot, and she wasn’t very nice to me at all. I don’t know many people, so I thought I could be friends with her in spite of it. To be fair, it was definitely possible, but just because I can it doesn’t mean I have to or want to. I want people in my life who are kind and treat me with respect, I want people in my life where shutting down isn’t necessary to interact with them.
If I can’t, I’d rather be all alone than force myself to shut down just to interact with other.
Remember, I don’t have full control – or any control – when I shut down. It’s great as a survival skill, but horrible as a happiness skill.
