I don’t know if I mentioned this, but lately I’ve been going to a centre that specialises in helping people with different kinds of disabilities.
I’ve been seeing a neuropsychologist at the centre and luckily he knows a lot about Autism Spectrum Disorder. It’s not always been useful going there since they tend to tell me a lot of things I already know, once in a while he is actually helpful.
I know it’s always important not to give up right away and give things like this a fair chance. Sometimes, I need a few weeks just to get used to the other person and before that, it not really fair to judge them too harshly. This one, I’ll call him Mr. Flower, seems very optimistic and doesn’t treat me like an idiot. You’d be surprised how often people feel like they need to talk to me like I’m 5 years old simply because I miss certain social cues or seem distracted.
I generally seem distracted because I get bored when neurotypicals talk about the same thing over and over again, or when they feel the need to continuously state the obvious. I really try to pay attention, but it’s really difficult.
Last week we talked a lot about how to know whether or not it is okay to say no. I have a lot of trouble with this, because I can’t read other people. It’s because I don’t know if they’ll get upset, hurt or laugh at me if I want to say no to something. I hate hurting or upsetting someone else, but I also hate conflicts that are related to me and how I feel about certain things. I don’t want to argue about why I don’t want something; I just need it to be okay.
Have you ever ended up having to defend yourself simply because you feel differently from others about something? The little things, like should we eat at this restaurant or should we watch that movie?
Sometimes, other people can get really defensive and those kinds of situations are the worst for me. I don’t understand why it has to be such a big deal, because we should be able to calmly find a compromise even if it takes time to do so. If we make an effort to do that, then it’ll surely get easier and faster as we get more experienced.
In any case, I don’t like arguing about that kind of stuff, so I would usually end up giving up and just let other people have their way. It was just little things at first, but it grew as I gave up on more and more of who I am.
Once in a while, I’d get into these really stressful situations and I wouldn’t understand what had happened and why others were upset with me. The pain of those situations still haunts me today and every time I interact with others, I worry about it. I don’t know what will set other people off.
So, even though I know I am allowed to say no if I feel I need to, I just haven’t been able to figure out when it’s okay that I say no. I don’t want to live constantly worried and afraid, but more than anything, I don’t want to not be able to say no if something is beyond my limits.
In fact, isn’t it better for everyone involved if we respect our own limitations and needs?
I think so. I would hate it if someone I knew forced themselves to be someone they are not simply for my sake or not to hurt my feelings. Wouldn’t you?
The choice is not always just between one of you hurting, so why make it so?
Sometimes, it’s perfectly okay to say no.
I have had a lot of physical therapy since I had my shoulder surgery and I always hated it. I hate people touching me and they have to do that sometimes. I also hate that they never understand that I don’t register pain in the same way normal people do, but I’ll talk more about that soon in a different post.
The main thing you should understand here is that everyone I know are very much aware of how much I both fear and hate physical therapy. I have difficulties sleeping and eating during the days before and after, it is a very stressful thing for me to go through.
When we were together, I had told my ex-boyfriend about this, but even if I had not, we were living together at the time and he had addressed it several times because going to physical therapy was clearly making me very anxious and physically sick.
He had to help me get there as well, because I couldn’t take the bus alone for a long time after I had surgery, because of the pain and the strong medication I was on. He suggested coming with me inside and even though I didn’t like it, I accepted because he was worried about me.
My physical therapist had long talked about photographing me doing the exercises and I had refused, saying clearly that I didn’t need photographs to remember it and that I didn’t like it. Of course, I had also agreed it probably was helpful to some (not me), because clearly it had to be. A lot of people don’t remember things as easily as I do.
I can almost never remember things I read, but things I hear or see in real life are almost impossible to forget – trust me, sometimes a bad memory would truly be a blessing.
At the time my ex-boyfriend and my physical therapist kept talking about how to help me remember the exercises – in spite of the fact that I can remember them clearly even today and that they were the ones who couldn’t remember – and suddenly they agreed on photographing it.
I had previously told my ex many, many times that under no circumstances could he film me, because I hated that almost more than the physical therapy in itself and he had repeatedly promised not to do so.
In the end, I couldn’t give any compelling arguments and my ex-boyfriend decided to photograph the exercises and I ended up accepting it, mainly because I was afraid to make a scene. I didn’t want to engage in a conflict with both of them.
So, I accepted. As I was doing the exercises, however, it became clear that my ex-boyfriend was actually filming me. I was so deeply broken-hearted because of it, that I cried a lot later on when I was alone. I couldn’t believe that he would do such a thing after promising not to do it.
Later, I found out he did that kind of thing a lot and always claimed to do it for my own good, just like on that day. When I asked him, he said it was better to record it on video so that I wouldn’t forget and he completely ignored everything I said about how I disliked it and how hurt I was. It was as if he didn’t hear me complain, or maybe just didn’t take it seriously. It was always for my own good, he would always say, even though to me it only ever gave me great distress and pain.
I tend to let people hurt me a lot, because when someone says they are doing it for my sake, I believe them. I shouldn’t, but I truly believe they are trying to help me and I don’t know how to refuse kindness – even when it is only kindness in someone else’s eyes.
After that day I made sure he didn’t go with me to physical therapy, even though it was painful and I got hurt often on the bus because I was alone. It was much easier to deal with the pain than the heartache.
I don’t blame him, though. I think, I ought to have said something – I should have said no a lot sooner.
I didn’t say no because I was afraid of the conflict and because I didn’t understand that it’s okay to say no to kindness.
In reality, I should have known that a relationship where one person is terrified of creating conflict with the other is not a healthy one and would never last. I am ashamed to say this, because it sounds like a cliché, but I thought he would change. I thought that if I said no once, that would be enough for him to accept it. When that didn’t happen, he told me he did not accept the no because he loved me and knew what was best for me, I should have said no again.
Never again will I make that kind of mistake. No matter how terrified of a conflict I am, I will never stop saying no when I am asked to do something I don’t want to do. Never. And honestly, neither should you. If someone doesn’t respect your no, simply continue saying no even if you have to say no forever. Don’t ever give in and hurt yourself simply because you are tired or afraid of the battle, because even though it shouldn’t be a battle, it can feel like it.
My neuropsychologist gave me some great advice as to how to figure out if it’s okay to say no or not. Now, I’ll share that with you.
Maybe neurotypicals just naturally know, but I don’t. I never have. How does anyone make that decision? I don’t want to hurt anyone, nor do I want to be rude or unkind. His example makes a lot of sense to me and I’ll use the story about my physical therapy and an imaginary going out to dinner scenario to explain it.
He said that all situations where we have to make a decision about whether or not we want to do something can affect others and ourselves and that we can divide those affected into three groups: primary, secondary and tertiary. Those who are mainly affected are those in the primary group, those who are somewhat affected or a little affected are those in the secondary group (less than those in the primary group, but more than those in the tertiary group) and finally those who are barely, if at all, affected belong in the tertiary group.
If the choice is where to eat dinner, then all those who are going out to eat are in the primary group and all should come to a decision together because they are all equally affected. In cases such as this, I should not refuse to eat any of their things and only want to eat my own, thus forcing everyone else to comply with my decision. Nor should I just accept the decision of the others if I am against it. All who are going out to dinner are in the primary group. However, if someone is not going to eat dinner with the group, then they are in the tertiary group and not affected by the decision, therefore they should not decide where everyone else should eat.
In the case about my physical therapy, I didn’t want to be filmed. Whether they filmed me or not, I was the one primarily affected. It was to aid my memory, but it was not helpful to me. The one who found it helpful was my ex-boyfriend. The physical therapist recommended photographs; therefore filming was only something my ex-boyfriend really wanted.
I was clearly the primary group, because it affected me and my body. Even if I didn’t remember, it would hardly affect neither my physical therapist or my ex-boyfriend. Arguably, my physical therapist was in the secondary group, because depending on whether or not I remembered my exercises and failed my rehabilitation, she would have to create different programs for me to follow. My ex-boyfriend was in the tertiary, because it pretty much didn’t affect him at all.
In the end, I let someone else decide what was best for me and ignored my own feelings. That is exactly like letting someone who is not going out to dinner with you decide what you are going to eat that evening. Pointless and silly.
What I have learned is very simple; when I am the only one in the primary group, then it’s most definitely okay to say no. In fact, not saying no is bad.
When we are more people in the primary group, then I should take their opinion into consideration, but because I am in the primary group, it’s perfectly okay to say no.
If I am in the secondary or tertiary group, then I need to consider the feelings of the ones in the primary group, but it is no longer my responsibility to say no.
Dividing people into groups like this makes it so much easier for me to understand and I feel I can confidently go out into the world and say no when I need to.
Of course, I am still afraid it might create conflicts, but rather than forcing myself to never be happy, I can live with being unhappy once in a while during a conflict. What about you? Can you say no when you need to?
If you are worried and afraid like I am, then try to remember this the next time you feel you need to say no: the moment before you actually say it will always be the most scary moment of the entire interaction. Sure, afterwards you have to deal with the consequences, but no matter how bad they are, it’ll be nothing like the fear before you say no nor like the discomfort and pain that comes with not saying no.
Don’t think that one no is necessarily enough. Say no as many times as needed.
