I actually enjoy travelling alone very much, because it makes everything a lot easier. There’s no need for compromises or explanations, I can just be free and be myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t like travelling with others. It can be a very enjoyable experience as well, because just like nothing can make your heart break like someone else, nothing can make your heart sing like others can.
When travelling with others everyone may need to make compromises, however, and not everyone is willing to do that. I learned that the hard way.
I have a lot of experience travelling with others, be it on school trips, with friends or family members, or just temporarily joining up with fellow travellers on the road. One thing I’ve realised during all this time, is that you should choose who to travel with and who not to travel with and accept if someone you want to travel with is not the best companion. Sometimes, we are just not suited as travel companions, even if we are great friends.
I am not saying that we shouldn’t travel together if we are not suited for it, only in that case, know what you are getting into before going, so that you can be prepared.
Emotions can easily flare up if you are in some strange place together and can’t agree on whatever is important to you at the time.
That’s why these first couple of posts are centred around understanding who you travel with – be as prepared as you can be.
We all have different needs when travelling and it is important to respect that.
Travelling can be a challenge for people like me, even if we are travelling with others who are completely supportive and understanding about who we are.
You see, I have special needs when I travel. I can’t just eat whatever food is served in front of me, I might not even be able to enter specific restaurants – no matter how hungry I am. I might not be able to do a lot of things, because of my hypersensitivity to things like light, sound and smell.
I can also get hyper focused on something and not be able to just move on to the next thing, because I need to walk around a couple more hours at a museum or something else entirely different. Maybe I’ll get tired suddenly and have no energy left in my mind or body and will simply have to go back to the hotel. There are many things that makes travelling with me complicated, but those things are all going to be explained in other posts later on. For now, it’s just important that you understand I have challenges that most normal people don’t have.
Back in 2014 I went to Istanbul for a week with my cousin. We used to talk a lot and were very good friends back then. It was before I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and sadly, since then, I’ve hardly seen her at all. She is working, has gotten married and also has a young son, so it’s no wonder she doesn’t have a lot of time for childhood things. Others always seem to grow up so much easier and faster than I do.
Anyway, back then we decided to go to Istanbul together. She was considering studying a bit of Turkish as her language electives and I just really wanted to go. I love new places and, oddly enough, I love food from all over the world. I know, it’s strange, since I generally don’t eat food other people make – except for a few regular places where I buy take out sometimes.
When I travel, however, it’s different. To me, learning about history and culture and languages has always made me happy and food, well, I love food. Food is a great way to experience other cultures. I have this fascination with street food. To me, street food is probably the most important thing when travelling.
It’s important to know what matters to you when you choose who you want to travel with.
What do you want to see, where do you want to go?
My cousin, she is more into fancy food, but I don’t mind that. We compromised and both booked a very fancy restaurant dinner, had dinner at other very nice restaurants and occasionally got street food too. She enjoyed that as well. That’s one of the of the great things about travelling with someone who is open to compromise; we both get to experience new things that we might not have otherwise and because we were both open to the compromises, we were able to enjoy those new experiences together.
I have to admit, though, I felt like a fool in that fancy restaurant. The food was wonderful, but I left after a meal of several courses and I still felt hungry. The wine, now that was quite amazing. It was the first time in my life that a dining experience was made so much more flavourful simply because of the wines that accompanied each dish. I am grateful to this day for it and treasure the memory.
Planning out what to do each day was a great help to me as well. My cousin, she is a planner. Much more than I am. When I travel alone, I never make planes, but simply go where I want to go in that moment. To me, travelling alone is complete freedom. When I travel with others, however, that’s when it gets annoying.
People have things they want to do; maybe they want to go shopping, see a specific castle or museum or maybe they want something else entirely. Before my cousin and me even thought about packing our bags, we had discussed what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go. We both had places we wanted to see and made many notes in our guidebooks, so that we had a plan. We made a schedule, but we left two days open, so that we could make plans while in Istanbul as well, in case something took longer than expected or we discovered a new place we wanted to go.
That was actually pretty great, because it meant we didn’t have to discuss anything once we had left. We followed the schedule during the entire time, moved a few things around because we learned new information while there, and even added a trip to a small island as well. We had to skip one thing, because it simply would have been too expensive and taken too long. Those adjustments were just little things, however, and didn’t create any friction at all.
Why? Because we knew each other, our expectations and were prepared for such things to occur.
The thing is, we had prepared for most eventualities. We knew each other well, and we had talked about how we like to travel and made sure the other was prepared.
I was very certain we would make great travel companions, and I still think we did. It was a great holiday, even though I did pressure myself sometimes. I didn’t know about my diagnosis, so I thought everyone experienced the world as I did and that I was simply weak. She respected when I was tired, though, and I respected when she was tired too.
When you travel, you need to respect each other’s limitations and you also need to be clear about our own.
In this case, I knew she was a planner and that worked out well for me. If I had not known, or she had not said anything, or if I had not wanted to compromise, our holiday would not have been a very good one at all.
In my next post, I’ll tell you about a holiday of mine that didn’t go well at all, because I didn’t know my travel companion. It was so bad, in fact, that after our holiday she pretty much never wanted to speak to me again.
In case you are curious about our destination, we travelled by local trains to Hiroshima and back to Kyoto during Golden Week of 2011.
Perhaps, when you read the next post, and perhaps the post after that too, you’ll understand better why I feel it’s so important to know and understand who you travel with.
I wanted to start with this happy example even though it will be easier to understand when you hear about my failures. We learn so much better from failures.
So, what is my advice?
If you have someone you are going to travel somewhere with, then talk to them first. Don’t judge them, simply talk about how they like to travel and their expectations. We all have expectations, and when something doesn’t go according to our expectations, then it’ll create trouble in either our heart or our mind. When we are both clear about each other’s expectations, then we can more easily respect the other and create a more enjoyable journey for all of us.
That is what we want, right? To have fun and enjoy each other’s company.
Planning everything out might not work for everyone, but being clear about what we need and think, that will always work. Sometimes, though, we are probably going to realise that someone isn’t going to be easy to travel with because our expectations and hopes don’t match.
Take this as an example: You want to go somewhere with museums and be inside all day, but your travel companion wants to go outside and hike in the mountains. Either accept that you won’t enjoy travelling together – not what I would recommend – or accept that you will both have to compromise and try to make the best of the things you don’t usually enjoy.
As I said, I recommend talking with your travel companion about your expectations and always make the best of any situation, but be clear about your limitations. Don’t do something you can’t simply to make someone happy – that’s not a compromise. Compromising takes at least two people, never just one.
I know you may not have much of an opportunity to travel this summer because of all the restrictions put in place because of covid-19, so it’s even more important that if you do go on holiday, make it a great one.
The example with me preferring street food to fancy food is actually a great one. Because we had talked about our preferences and our expectations, we were able to compromise. I helped choose the fancy restaurants and she helped in choosing the street food too. We enjoyed both the fancy dinners and the street food, because we didn’t have to argue about it or discuss it.
We had a list of restaurants we had both agreed on and, at the same time, she was open to going to places not on that list as well. I could see a street car with food or drinks and point it out, and because she knew I wanted to have try different things while we were there, she didn’t just disregard it or argue against it. She honestly considered it and either opposed it or agreed to it.
Under normal circumstances I would never have gone to such a fancy place, nor would I ever pay so much money for so little food. I really dislike that sort of place. I could have refused or complained about it, but once I decided to go, I decided I would make it into an opportunity to experience something new and possibly great, rather than be annoyed by it. I didn’t make the compromise because I had to, but because I wanted to.
It may not seem like a big difference, but it really is.
That’s all for now. Come back and read my next post too, if you want to know how badly it can go as well. Thinking back, it was all kind of funny – even if it wasn’t at the time.
If you are going on holiday soon, remember to take care and stay safe!
