We’ve all been in arguments, right?
I hate conflicts, to be honest, but I love growth. I love becoming more than I once was; becoming more of who I really am.
So, would you believe me if I told you that I don’t think all arguments are bad?
They aren’t.
Some definitely are.
I think that people argue in different ways.
Not too long ago I left someone I’d been in a relationship with for 9 or 10 months. One of the things that was a challenge during our relationship was the arguments.
You see, we argued in very different ways and in the end I simply gave up the idea of constructive conflicts with him.
I have always believed not all conflicts are bad, but that they can help us grow and this failed relationship gave me a deeper understanding of what I need in someone else.
I don’t usually do relationships, not because I don’t want one, but because I don’t believe I’m right for relationships. I still don’t think I’m suited for relationships, especially not the way most people expect them to be. If I ever find myself in one again, I now know that one thing is a definite deal breaker; I can’t be in relationships with people if they want to, or more accurately, if they like to argue.
I hate arguments and I don’t want to argue, but that doesn’t mean I avoid them. I never did before my last relationship. I’ve always considered arguments an essential, yet undesirable, way to grow as a human being.
We all have our own belief systems and values, but I don’t think it’s healthy not to be open to that changing. We can have core beliefs and believe in them firmly, knowing that it can change – we might be wrong.
We might be wrong and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is when we can’t accept that we might be wrong.
It’s not easy to change our core beliefs even if we want to, but if we don’t even know we have them, it’s almost impossible.
In some cases, we need someone else to help us. So, when we clash with someone else – or maybe rather when our beliefs clash with someone else’s – then it’s a great opportunity to grow and change for the better. We give ourselves and the other person an opportunity to see things differently and learn more about ourselves and the world.
In many ways, it is quite beautiful in my opinion.
Of course, not everyone feel that way. Some try to avoid all conflicts and I am sad to say, for a long time in my last relationship, so did I. The embarrassing truth is that I was constantly afraid my ex would get angry and I simply tried to survive each day without making him mad.
I’ve truly never been like that and always argued my case before and I am still shocked at my own behaviour now. It wasn’t okay. I let my own fear control my actions, instead of seeing that fear for what it truly was; a sign that things weren’t okay in my relationship.
But, you see, it didn’t feel like an opportunity for growth when I didn’t agree with my ex.
He is one of those people who argue, not to learn more about himself and grow, but to win.
And before you say anything, we’ve all been like that at some point in our life, right? You know, when it doesn’t matter what the argument is really about, all that matters is that you are right and the other person is wrong?
Many years ago, when I just started university, I had a friend and we would argue all the time. All those arguments taught me that conflict is an opportunity for growth and I have used it every chance I got since then.
I gave up on that with my ex though, because he likes arguing. He would probably say he enjoys a good debate, the challenge from a stimulating conversation.
The problem is that I don’t.
I really don’t.
Sure, I like stimulating conversation, but I was never a candidate for the debate club nor will I ever be. He would have rocked the debate club. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t become a lawyer because he would have been an awesome sight arguing cases in court.
The thing is, it meant that every chance he got he would start “a debate”. He expected logical and strong arguments and if I couldn’t give a logical reason for something, he would belittle me and ridicule me over and over.
Sometimes, in the beginning, I got frustrated and argued my case, but since I never wanted to and it felt like it would only ever “end with a winner” I started accepting when he belittled me or when he was rude or mean to me.
You see, it’s not that I can’t argue, but that I don’t want to.
My ex would call me crazy or say things like it scared him that I would have an opinion without reason.
It’s not that I don’t have a reason, I just don’t want to have to explain myself constantly. I also don’t want to have to argue all the time if it’s only about winning and losing.
It has to be about learning more about ourselves and growing. If that’s the case, then I will argue my case as well as I can.
I’m really not saying there’s anything wrong with people who like to argue and those who love to argue to win, I’m just saying that I’m not a good match with that.
I would think people like that would be better off with others who are the same or with someone who doesn’t mind that part of their personality. That, or maybe they can find a different outlet for it than the relationship – maybe through work for example as a lawyer arguing cases in court. Maybe something else entirely, I really don’t know, because I’m not like that.
Also, some people say they don’t like arguments, but really do. I don’t see the point. We should all be honest about who we are. If you like a good argument, why not just be upfront about it and one day, someone will appreciate it.
If I’m ever going to try another relationship, no matter who the other person is, then it needs to be someone who doesn’t enjoy arguments too. They can’t want to avoid arguments either, because that’s not healthy.
It needs to be someone who accepts arguments as necessary and unavoidable, but undesirable. If not, then I’m better off alone for the rest of my life. It’s fair to have a couple of deal-breakers, isn’t it? As long as it’s not too many. Right now I guess I have my first one.
When we argue with people who argue to win, then they aren’t really listening to what we say. It becomes like a game of chess; they listen waiting for an opening, not to understand why we feel the way we do.
Now, I play chess because of the beauty of the game, but not to win. That probably means I don’t get to win a lot, but I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m sure some people can play both for the beauty of the game and to win, but I’ll never be like that.
I have to accept that about me. And you know what? I like this about me. No, in fact, I love it.
My ex and me, we didn’t argue all the time, but because I was always afraid to upset him, it ended up consuming every moment of my life. By the end, he would get upset with me almost daily.
I didn’t want to argue, so often it would end with me sitting on the floor crying my eyes out because he never respected my boundaries and him being furious because yeah, it’s not fun on the other end either.
When you enjoy arguing it must be very frustrating when others don’t. You never get to have fun or enjoy yourself.
Well, in cases like this, no one gets to have any fun.
You see, once I realised he didn’t listen to my actual words because he wanted to understand me, but because he was enjoying himself and looking for an opening, so that he could win, then I simply stopped. I absolutely refuse to be a part of a win or lose game, because it’s not just a game for me.
It’s about who I am. It’s me. I’m sharing who I am, not searching for new and exciting ways to claim space or defend myself.
It’s fine that I have to defend myself out there in the real world, I can fight out there and claim the right to be who I am. It’s fine out there, but not in my relationship. In my relationship I don’t want to fight to be allowed to be me and to hold the beliefs I do. I want to grow and change, yes, but through one long, unrelenting battle.
I want to grow through love and mutual respect.
And yes, it is possible to argue and disagree in a loving and compassionate way. I know this from personal experience as well.
That is the kind of conflict I want in my life. That’s what I need if I am ever going to be happy.
If I am in any other kind of relationship I will literally be hurting myself, because I won’t be respecting my own boundaries.
I know, it is selfish and possibly I will have to accept being alone for the rest of my life, but it is preferable to the alternative.
Really, whether we love someone or not is not the important part. We can love someone and not be compatible and even though that can be a difficult truth to accept, it is a truth we must live with.
In the future, it is a choice we must all make and I pray that we may all be able to see the things that make us incompatible in spite of love, when we choose our partner, so that we may have better chances of finding a partner we can truly be happy with.
We need to respect our own boundaries no matter the consequences, because no one else will do it for us if we don’t.
Love isn’t all that matters when choosing who we are with, but it is the starting point – a very beautiful and magical starting point. We need to choose each other in a relationship based on more than love, though, we need to be compatible in the ways that matter.
Because we matter.
