First of all, I am sorry.
For a really long time I’ve not been able to devote myself to this blog as much as I would like. I’ve had a bad year, but you guys probably noticed.
I wrote a lot of posts about a month ago, but didn’t get around to publishing any of them because I’ve been so tired. My sinuses got infected, but I got better quickly with the right medication.
Unfortunately, since then, it was like I couldn’t stop being tired.
My grandfather’s spouse has been taking his death really badly and won’t stop thinking that we’re all cheating her and want to throw her out of the house, so that we can take all the money. Of course it doesn’t matter how much we try to help her and support her, it doesn’t matter how often we tell her she can stay as long as she needs to, that we will never throw her out on the street – it doesn’t matter because in her eyes everyone else is the enemy.
Oh, and there is no money. She is having a hard time with that too.
We can’t keep the house, it’s too expensive and no one in the family has the money needed for the upkeep either. We would have loved to keep the house, but we can’t.
Now, a really nice couple wants to buy it and my grandfathers spouse found a lovely place to live, but… everyone else is still the enemy.
That kind of constant toxicity is very draining, even if we didn’t want to help her, it would still be tough just to be around it. I understand the loss she is feeling is a great one, I understand the stress of beginning dementia that she is dealing with too – I understand and I want to support her in whatever way I can even as she is cursing at all of us.
But it makes me tired. Everything in my life makes me tired these days, so all my posts… well, they are just waiting to be published.
I will try and get around to it now, though. I can feel the joy growing in me simply from writing this small post. I’ve missed writing terribly. Nothing in the world makes me feel better than writing. It’s crazy, but when I get into a funk, then forcing myself to write is the only thing that can make me break free of it.
If something happens and I don’t write anything for a while, then suddenly it gets harder for me to sit down and write. It is painful, but wonderful to write.
The funny thing is, when I don’t write for a while because I feel bad, then I start feeling even worse because I am not writing. I even start doing all this negative self-talk, because I know all I have to do to feel better is sit down and write, but I can’t even do that.
Then at some point, I force myself to sit at my desk and suddenly my fingers dance over the keys and I start to feel better.
I have done a lot of thinking this past year.
It’s been a hell of a year and over the next couple of weeks you’ll get a taste of all the damn thinking I’ve been doing. I am not who I was a year ago.
A year ago, I was in a happy, but new relationship, I had my grandparents healthy and happy, I was about to get my own place to live and hopefully start work soon after. My shoulder was painful, but it was okay.
Now, it’s all different.
I am living at my mums, no idea when I’ll get a place of my own or a job. My grandmother passed away rather suddenly, so did my grandfather. I left my boyfriend and feel like it was the best decision I could have made. I was not happy. In fact, I was very unhappy for a really long time in that relationship. He can’t have been happy either, unless he enjoyed making me cry all the time and I doubt that.
A year ago, I had such high hopes for the future, but to be honest, this last year has been the worst year of my life. I don’t blame my ex; he had his challenges too and no one person is ever to blame when things like this happen – it was for the best though.
I have limited motion in my left arm and shoulder, it hurts every day but at least I’m off the morphine and have been for a while.
My mums house has been under renovation, not by choice since it’s a rental, but for the last five months the house has been hidden away under metal and plastic getting a new roof and new windows. There’s hardly been a quiet day since they started working and most things have been in boxes because the first floor has off limits some of the time.
We all know covid-19 also complicated life, but the government shut down everything pretty quickly, so we weren’t hit that hard here. Everything is opening up again these days.
So yeah, it’s been a year of packing and unpacking in many different places and different ways. It’s time I tell you guys more about it, more about why I’ve been such a bad blogger these past months and hopefully you’ll forgive me.
So, come back and check my blog more often these next weeks and I’ll tell you all about this last year and what I’ve learned from everything.
Stay safe out there!
