Group projects were never really something I enjoyed growing up. It’s not that I don’t want to work with others at all, but it might seem like that to other people. I would love to work in a group, but the problem is that other people rarely want to work as hard as I do. People have called me a perfectionist many, many times, but in my opinion I’m not. Things don’t have to be perfect, but I have to feel like I’ve done my best every time I do something. Why would I want to be a part of something or do something and not do it as well as I possibly can? Why not make an effort?
I can make mistakes. I couldn’t always, but I can now.
Before, when I was younger, mistakes made me feel like I was worthless and, because I often go over past conversations and events in my mind to learn from them, I would often go over the same mistakes in my mind repeatedly. The problem is that when I think about something, I feel my feelings from that moment again – just like it is happening right then for the first time, but worse because I know what will happen.
My mistakes would haunt me for years after, some still haunt me today even though I don’t regret them. I have learned a lot that I am grateful to have learned and I doubt I could have learned it any other way.
When I work on something, I do the best I can even though I might make mistakes or fail. I would much rather not try at all than I would ever want to not give it all that I have. In fact, I often did just that. I didn’t sign up for things I wanted to be a part of because I was too afraid and knew I wouldn’t be able to do well enough. Not well enough as in perfect, but I wouldn’t be able to do it well enough to satisfy my own desire to give it the effort it deserved.
It’s just that I want to do something as well as I can, even if it is something unimportant to everyone else. It’s important to me because I am the one doing it.
Whenever I was a part of a group project in school the other members of the group often didn’t do their best. They did enough, the minimum effort it required, and stopped working once that point had been reached. If I had more time I would do more or improve what I had already done.
I didn’t go crazy though. If I knew that what would make a project better was something that would take longer than the time left for the assignment, I would stop. I felt the project was better as it was than combined with something half-finished or not well done.
The others who were in my group didn’t care as much as I did, I think.
I stopped working in school because I was always punished, always accused of cheating and things like that. In that case, I knew that no matter how hard I worked the result was the same and it became really difficult for me to continue to give the projects and assignments in school the same devotion and attention, because I knew I would get punished. That was the reason I stopped. I knew I could never do it properly and simply gave up trying.
The first time I really understood how little people thought of me was back when I was about 12-years-old.
I was really in love with history back then. I wanted to be a combination of a space adventuring astronaut and an archaeologist, a childhood dream I had not really given up at the time. Not really.
Perhaps that is why explorers were something I became very fascinated by. They might not travel in space, but in the past, they travelled to unknown destinations and encountered previously undiscovered and alien people, places and their journeys were always filled with trials and perils.
I love history. Learning about times that were before and the people who lived during it, how they overcome adversity and created new, wondrous things or how they changed the world – it just feels magical to me.
Of course, because I wanted to also travel in space you can probably guess that science fiction is something that I have always loved as well. In a way, I wanted to be like those explorers from our past, but in the future.
Magellan was someone I immediately came to like. When I had the chance and my group had been assigned Magellan as a topic for a paper, I was so excited. I worked very hard, my mother watched me sit and read and write, print images and maps. I had at the time not worked as hard on anything as I did on that project.
Obviously, the other girls in my group neither could or would work as much or as well as I did and in time, I got so annoyed by their lack of effort and, probably mostly, their lack of knowledge. It was as if they just refused to open a book and read about Magellan. I asked to do the project alone because it became so stressful and there was too much conflict for it to work and I ended up doing the project alone.
The other girls had seen what I had done, they had some parts of it and handed in practically the same thing and then accused me of stealing their work.
I was outraged and told the truth; they had stolen my work, not the other way around. I had my mother’s word, because she had seen me work on it. She knew how much effort and devotion and time I had dedicated to that project and she told my teacher.
I was still accused of stealing their work, but now I was also named a liar in front of everyone. It was really very painful, especially because the girls who stole my work were my only friends and I had to see them for years after.
I didn’t make friends easily and I could either be alone and get bullied all the time or stay friends with them and have my work stolen every time I made an effort and get bullied a little. I was afraid and chose to stay friends with them, but since I never made an effort again, they didn’t get a chance to steal any more of my work.
Of course, you might say they were never my friends and honestly, you would be right. But they were all I had.
It’s not that I don’t want to work in a group, but it was never worth the pain for me. I didn’t particularly like working alone either, so in the end, I couldn’t make myself put in that extra effort – the effort that makes me feel like I have done my very best.
I think sometimes people think I’m perfectionist because my personal best is just better than a lot of other people, but saying it makes me feel arrogant. We are not allowed to really praise ourselves without feeling bad, are we? That’s really too bad. Sometimes we deserve it.
So, back to the point. I’ve recently been asked to join a group project at the training centre I go to. The place that helps people like me with autism spectrum disorder. Well, okay, I asked to join, and they said yes.
The others had started a few weeks ago and now I’m helping out too. We’re doing a team building exercise – we’re making a boardgame.
I love games, even though I’ve always been more into PC gaming than boardgames. Not because I don’t love boardgames, I do, but because you need more people to play boardgames and I never knew anyone who would play with me. PC games you can always just do on your own as long as you stay away from multiplayer or co-op games – and I sure did.
I am not really interested in the mechanics of the game, but the design, the art and the overall narratives. When I started the project, they already had an artist doing her thing, so I got a role I never expected to get; I direct the overall design, layout and such. I would never have imagined that I could enjoy something like I enjoy being a part of this project because it’s a group project and I have to put in as much effort as I can to be able to do the tasks I was asked to do.
The other members are not all as enthusiastic as I am, they all put in different amounts of effort and heart, but our team leader is the only person I ever met who is willing to put in more effort and devotion than I am and being a part of his team is inspiring.
I love that I can finally start letting go and with every day that passes I feel like I am putting in more effort. The right leader can make all the difference in the world.
Just like the wrong teacher can, only in that case they will break you instead of teaching you what you are truly capable of.
Hopefully I can take this feeling, this renewed desire to not hold back, with me in all that I do in the future – even if I end up in group projects with other people who steal my work or refuse to put in the effort that they can if any at all.
Working in a group of people who are all devoted to a common goal can be such a beautiful experience and I hope I will be a part of many such projects in the future.
Just because we don’t all do well socially, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy working in a group as long as it’s under the right conditions.
