Today I want to talk about motivation. It’s something that most of us struggle with often, whether it be feeling motivated to do the laundry, vacuum the house, go to work or even doing something we really love to do. It’s funny, somehow, that both doing things we dislike and things we like can leave us equally disheartened and unmotivated. At least, that is often the way it is for me.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s just that I get distracted easily and never get around to doing the things I don’t want to or the things I want to. I do get easily distracted. It takes almost nothing, in fact, for me to lose focus and do something other than I intended originally. I can, paradoxically, also be quite the opposite. Sometimes I get so focussed on something that the world passes without me noticing. I forget to eat, drink and then when I stop doing whatever I was focussed on everything hits me at once and I feel extremely depleted.
I am not sure if me getting distracted easily is really the reason I sometimes don’t get as much done as I want to. I am really not sure. It could just be a bad excuse, because the honest truth is that I am not motivated enough. I am comfortable enough with both the things I dislike and the things I like that I end up not making an effort.
Motivation is a word that most people use a lot. In my experience, people mainly use it when they feel a certain lack of motivation, rather than an overflowing of it. How often have you not heard something say they are: ‘just not motivated enough.’? How often have you used it yourself?
I know I think it a lot. I keep wishing to myself: ‘if only I was more motivated, then I’d get stuff done.’
Things I dislike can be easier for me to force myself to do. Something get’s so bad that I have to do something about it and then I just force myself through it. I just force myself through it. I know it’ll be over at some point and the more effective I am the quicker it’ll be over. It’s not fun, but more like a constant battle; my will versus myself. It sounds silly, but that’s how it feels.
Things I like can be the worst. Not because I don’t want to do it, but simply because I do.
Does that sound strange to you?
I can only explain it like this: It is exactly because it means a lot to me, because I want to do it and do it well, because I care about the result and more than anything because all those feelings can make me terrified of doing it. When I think about something, you might remember this from an earlier post, I feel it. When I think of someone, I feel what I last felt when I thought about that person or saw that person. When I think of things I ought to do, I feel it very intensely.
When I think of something I don’t like, there a reason I don’t like it and I feel the emotions behind it very strongly. Like, when I need to go shopping and I need to go to a shopping mall. I don’t just think to myself that that experience is going to be pretty horrible because there might be a lot of people.
I feel it.
At that moment I feel the same way as I would when I get overwhelmed by there being too many people, it’s hot there and people smell because they are sweaty, they complain and talk very loudly to each other, the air is dull and heavy because there’s not proper ventilation – it makes me feel sick, physically, and the anxiety clouds my mind like it would if I was really there.
Now, if I know I have to go there because I absolutely must, then I will. I will force myself through it and then I’ll feel tired and depleted long after. My physical reaction gets even stronger when I’m actually there, and I know that, but sometimes it comes as a shock just how bad things like that is. It depends on whether I have a good day or a bad day.
So, you see, I can’t just think about something and not feel anything. I feel a lot and very often quite strongly. My emotions may not be as varied in nature and character as most neurotypicals, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything at all.
When I think about the things I want to do, which can even be something wonderful as writing this blog, I feel much more than that I have to write a post if that’s my plan.
I start to think about the future. I have to write a post every Friday, I have to remember to get better at social media, I need to learn more about website building, I have to write other things too and the list continues. I’ve practically thought about every single writing experience I might have in this life, and worried about whether or not I am capable of it, within seconds. I think about whether I can sell my books, I wonder if anyone will even want to read the fiction I write and wonder if some will even like it enough to want to write fanfiction about it. I think about making a Patreon site, I wonder if I should make videos at some point too and many, many other things. When I think about all these things, I get overwhelmed by the huge amount of things I need to learn and do, and I get scared, because I can’t do all of that.
No one can, really. Well, no one can when they are just starting out and I am.
I have never thought of any of those things as something I have any right to do. It may sound silly to you, but I felt like I had no right to imagine myself as someone who could be successful. Someone with a right to be happy. Someone who could be a writer.
It’s okay not to be perfect from day one.
It’s fine that I have much to learn, that I have to work to improve myself, but when I feel like I should do everything right now, I forget that. I get overwhelmed. I forget that I’m still learning and growing, and I focus on everything that I have to do at some point in the future. I don’t want to think about all of it, but I just don’t know how to slow down my brain. My head is so fast it takes barely anytime for me to think ahead 10 years. When I make the decision to stop, then I’m already too far ahead.
When I think about something I love, then it’s even more intense.
It’s a lot of pressure to put on oneself. One should not have to bear the weight of one’s entire future just to sit down to write a post. One should not bear the weight of all one’s fears when faced with the idea of something frightening. One should not even bear the weight of one’s present moment, no, we should simply enjoy our moment – both the good and the bad – as they pass by.
Bad moments can be enjoyable in their own ways too, when we grow and learn and become more true to who we are.
This isn’t a post that will help you figure out how to be motivated, far from it. I struggle with it daily and I will continue to think about it in the future. This is just me being frustrated that I don’t know how to feel motivated to do things I love to do, and more than anything, frustrated with people telling me that then I just don’t want it enough. In fact, I think I might want it too much and that is what makes it difficult for me to fight for it.
I was not born brave, but I intend to become it.
