People always tell us, or at least they always tell me, to follow my passion.
Singular form: passion.
They sound like there is just one path, one thing that will really make us happy and all we have to do is find the one thing that makes us truly happy. Like it’s all you need to do, then the world will magically create all the dreams and things we want, and our life will be complete. Now, I’m not saying the world doesn’t do that, because I think when we want something and work very hard to achieve it, then everything that we experience is a lesson on the path to achieving it. My problem was just… I never really found one passion, I was more of a serial passion follower. When people told me to follow my passion my first thought was always: ‘Which one?’
I get really into things. People often stereotype those of us on the spectrum and depict us as people with one extreme interest that we just can’t stop talking about or even thinking about. I have that too, just like most of us. But, in my case, it’s not one thing that I obsessively think about and talk about my entire life, it’s more like several bursts of interests.
Writing doesn’t count, I don’t think of myself as being passionate about writing and nothing else. Writing is what makes my head quiet and empty, what makes me breathe freely like nothing else – it is as natural and essential to me as water and air. Without it I would surely die. Some would say this is my life purpose and my passion, but that’s not how I see it. Writing is a part of me and always will be, it is my core. Everything around me, though, it changes rapidly and without warning.
When I was little, I wanted to be a space archaeologist, I wanted to travel to distant stars and examine ancient civilisations. I still love history and I love space, but I am not obsessively passionate about it either.
I did drama for almost a decade and I thought that singing and dancing would be my future, and although I appreciate and think fondly of those times today, I have no desire to go that path in life.
I have had innumerable hopes and dreams like that, hobbies that I threw myself into heart and soul and imagined I would love obsessively forever. Of course, it didn’t work out like that and in time I realised that I was only passionate about one thing until I knew too much for it too still be interesting or until I accidentally came across some other interest that pulled me to it like moth to flame.
I had several months when I though I’d be an animator, months I wanted to be a cartoonist, months I was sure I’d be an artist and many other things all equally creative in nature. I was obsessed with martial arts for a while, but I was too worried that I’d hurt someone else to really get good. I have been obsessed with cooking and marketing and politics and history and all of those passions would eventually die away.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I used to think it was bad, because people act like we only have the ability to be truly passionate about one thing. I thought I was inconsistent and weak – worse yet – I was afraid I was incapable of love.
If I could love, I assumed I would find some path that I would love, some passion to grow and make into the purpose of my life. Since I couldn’t, I wasn’t sure I was able to love at all.
We can love as many things in life as we want.
Of course, that’s the truth. How can it be any different?
Love isn’t a limited resource.
I have learned so much from every single one of my passions and they have all led me down this path in my life. I would not have started this blog or become who I am today if I had not loved every single one of my passions and followed them for as long as I could. I became me because of that and the me I am today is the me that I like.
I love my ability to come across something new and unknown and feel curious about it – to dig deeper into learning and understanding it without stopping to wonder what this passion will end up meaning to me. I can love my interests and move on when I find something else, I can continue to learn this way until the day I die.
This doesn’t mean my passions mean any less to me. In fact, while I am passionate about something, I become more obsessive than most others. I live and breathe my interest until the day I stop. There are no ups or downs, only extreme passion until it flickers out in an instant.
When people stop me from following my passion, I feel like they are literally preventing me from breathing. It’s not just reading book or watching a movie, it’s the most important thing in my life at that moment.
Going to that martial arts class a few times a week is what keeps me alive, when my passion is martial arts.
In cases such as these, how can I not talk about it all the time? It’s all that is in my head.
My problem isn’t really whether or not I get to talk about it, it’s more the fact that I can’t tell if people want me to shut up or not. People ask questions about what I do or like or something and then they ask more questions and suddenly I feel like I’ve been tricked, because the act like I am a complete lunatic because I don’t understand they don’t care about anything I say and really just want me to shut up. In my opinion, if people don’t want to know, they shouldn’t ask.
Sure, people signal that they are bored, or they just intuitively know when they themselves should stop talking – but here’s the thing! I don’t read those signals and I have no intuitive understanding about how long is appropriate to talk.
I just say what’s on my mind and answer questions people ask. I wish people would be clearer in their communication, but that is a rare thing. Generally, I feel like people expect me to read their mind and use that ability to differentiate between when they ask to be polite and when they actually want to know the answer. It might be a skill neurotypicals all have, but mind-reading is not something I know how to do.
My whole point is not about mind-reading or my inability to understand when people are bored with me because I’m talking too much, it’s about passions.
Passions.
This is important. Having a difficult time sticking with one thing and being extremely passionate about a new thing every couple of months doesn’t mean people like me are necessarily less passionate about our interests. Sure, some people probably use it as an excuse not to commit, but when I am passionate about something, I am more committed than anyone.
When I worked as a barista for a few months I became obsessed with making the best cup of coffee. I struggled, I didn’t love every moment of it, but I struggled on anyway. I wanted to make the best coffee I could possibly make. Today, I don’t make the best coffee in the world, I don’t even make the best cup of coffee that I can make. I just make coffee. I don’t even drink as much coffee anymore.
I still love it, not like I used to, but I still do. I can still remember and feel the passion inside of my heart, but I am more interested in other things now. It’s not that I don’t want to make the best coffee I can, only, there are other things more important to me now. Lately, I’ve been thinking of taking it up again. I want to make coffee that tastes amazing, not just because it used to be something, I was passionate about, but because I know I can.
I learned so much from making coffee for those months and I am so grateful for the experience. I am happy that I followed that passion because now I make a damn good cup of coffee if I want to.
Every single thing I have focused on has taught me something that I can use one way or another and I bring that with me for the rest of my life. Not only that, I am also never afraid of trying new things because I have been stupidly bad at doing many things before, some I became good at and some I never figured out how to do properly. The important thing is not just the skills that I picked up, but my desire to learn, my curiosity and more than anything – my bravery in the face of something new.
If you know someone who is like me, someone who can never stick to one thing and is passionate about one thing after another – don’t think less of them because they can’t stick to it. Admire their courage, wish them luck on their ventures and encourage them to follow all of their passions.
Sometimes, I have used it as an excuse too. I have let go of something because I was too afraid to do. But, that doesn’t mean that it was like that every time. We all run away sometimes, so just make sure you – or whoever you are thinking about – doesn’t run from something because they are afraid.
If you feel like running, never run away from anything. Run towards every single passion you find. Don’t run from fear, run towards love.
