When most of us think of time, we generally think of time as something that is unchanging and measurable – like the hands on a clock slowly ticking as time pass. Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock. Time, however, we also know can also feel so very unmeasurable at the same time. When we talk with a loved one hours can feel like one magical moment. It’s the same when we do something, we are passionate about – time flies and days or weeks feel like no time at all. The opposite is also true and we probably feel like there are quite a lot more of that than the former. When we are with someone we don’t like, or forced to do things we hate, every single second can feel like an eternity.
I have talked about this before, about how when I think back on someone, I feel all the emotions I felt in the moment I was with that person. I feel things like they are happening right now.
I have a friend, and I will call him Mr. T. We met many years ago, when I was first living in Japan. I didn’t care much for him at first because I just assumed, he was boring. In time, I got to know him a little better and it turned out, he wasn’t boring at all. He understood me better than most people I knew at the time, and I felt like I didn’t need to be so careful with my mask, because he didn’t seem to care when I failed to keep it up. I doubt he knew that. Mr. T is different from most, and years can pass by easily without us talking or even meeting. When we do, I feel like I just talked to him yesterday. Time, in this case, have been irrelevant. I am using this example, because I think we have all had people like that in our lives. People who can come in and out of our life at different stages and every time it’s like no time passed at all.
In fact, isn’t that often the kind of friends we want to find?
… And yet, when we find people who freely come and go in our life, don’t we often complain? At least, people often complain about me. That I don’t text enough or meet them often enough.
That’s the best way I can describe my sense of time in relation to my feelings. It’s like no time passed at all. When I experience pain or happiness it doesn’t leave me, it stays with me forever. When I think about previous experiences, I can feel it like it just happened. That’s the reason why a problem that isn’t dealt with will never just go away with me. If you hurt me, every time I think of you, I feel that hurt. If you make me happy, I will feel that joy always.
I am saying this, not because I want people who hurt me to feel sad – not at all! I forgive very easily, I generally just need to work through my emotions and understand what I actually feel. I don’t just know what feelings I feel, I need to observe my feelings, analyse them and then hopefully I figure it out. So you see, it’s not that my feelings don’t change either. They do, when I work through what my emotions are. I can also change my mind, we all can. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about a sense of time.
You see, often people tend to think that things will just pass on its own. You argue, you hurt someone, and you can’t apologise – or maybe you do apologise – and then you just expect things to be fine. I don’t work like that at all. I need to work through things, or they just don’t change. They can definitely change, but we all have to be willing to make that change happen.
If I hurt someone, it doesn’t matter if it’s someone who’s dear to me or not, then I feel pain every time I think about it. I feel it right now, this very moment in time, like it happened just before sat down to write this. And trust me, I have hurt others a lot, even though it was never my intention. I just don’t always know that something is hurtful – because I see it as just obvious facts.
I am telling you this, because sometimes I might act in ways that doesn’t make sense to you. Maybe this is because I am feeling things that you have put behind you years ago. An argument from when I was 8 years old feels fresh in my heart if something makes me think about it. And in case you think people on the spectrum have no empathy or feelings, we do. We feel too strongly quite often.
It’s not always a bad thing, either. This morning I received a message from Mr. T. It was a reply to a message I wrote him during the summer at some point last year. Before that, I don’t even know if we talked for a few years. But my point is, it’s been a very long time. I think the last time I saw him was a few years ago when I was living in Tokyo. He made tea for me sitting outside and honestly, thinking back, I can almost taste that tea again. I don’t mind that we don’t talk for long intervals of time, because I feel like I just saw him a few days ago when I do hear from him. That’s a good thing.
When people text me, it never feels like it was that long ago we last talked. It makes me think of that person and then it feels like I saw that person, or that we talked, only a few days or even hours ago.
I have been criticised a lot for not texting or meeting my friends often enough, as I said earlier. My friends tend to forget me, or move on from me, because I can’t give them the interaction they expect… or perhaps need. It’s not because I don’t care about them, it can just as well be because I do care about that person that it doesn’t feel like time passes between our interactions.
I am going to say this again, just to make it clear. It’s not because I don’t care that I don’t behave like you expect me to all the time. I care a lot. I just don’t feel the passing of time like other people do, I think.
Mr. T is a lot worse than me. It can take months – even years – before he replies, but I don’t mind. Friendship are not about instant gratification, at least I don’t think so. I can’t exactly tell you what friendships are, because I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to judge a friend by the time it takes for that person to ‘like’ a post or message me back. I can accept it as long a reply returns at some point! I don’t want people just accept no response and repeatedly send message after message and never get answers back. We all need to be acknowledged.
I often wonder how other people like me, on the spectrum that is, deal with communication. Does time feel differently for you too? Or is it perhaps more normal than I think, and we just tend to assume time feels the same for everyone, and thus forget that others aren’t like us?
To me, when it comes to friendships, I know one thing. Time is never a factor.
To neurotypicals, however, I am often confronted by this idea that someone you have known ten years should automatically be a closer friend than someone you met yesterday. Or that someone you’ve known since childhood should always stay your friend. I don’t understand that at all, because friendships are about connection and emotions, not time. At least, that’s what I feel and I do admit my understanding of friendship is very limited. I have barely any friends now, and I never had a lot to begin with.
If you meet someone like me, I don’t think you should automatically assume that we don’t care simply because a lot of time passes without us talking to you or even answering your message.
It’s like when you text that special someone you like and while waiting for a reply it feels like hours pass by with you constantly checking your mobile, even though in real time, it might just be a few moments. The other person might even reply the instant he or she notice the message, but it still feels like a lot longer passed for you than that other person.
To me, it’s just the opposite from when you are sat there, staring at your mobile waiting for a reply. I might get a message and reply the next day or the next week, while I feel like I am replying right when I get the message. It’s doesn’t mean I don’t care, it’s more like time passed differently for us for a little bit. It flew by for me and week became a moment, while a week felt so much longer for you.
So, have a little patience with people like me. And, if in doubt, just ask. We don’t lie, however, so don’t ask if you don’t want an honest reply. I can’t promise you’ll like the answer. Even though time passes differently for people like me, we like and dislike people like everyone else too.
Just, don’t judge me because of time – judge me by the reply I give you.
