So, it’s finally February.
Lately, I’ve been working a lot behind the scenes, you might say, and I really felt it was time to address this properly. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to do this, but then I realised – silly me – I write a blog. I should just write a post about this.
So, from now on, I might occasionally write an update like this and tell you a little about what I plan to do and what I have done so far.
I started this blog in October last year, so I’ve been blogging for a few months now. I think I can honestly say that this has been one of the most important and defining periods of my life. Not just because I am sharing myself truthfully for the first time, but also because when I started all this, I knew nothing about website building or blogging.
That is to say, we all know something about blogging or at least we think we do, right? Not that we all know code, but we all know that one can blog without knowing any code, right? Or, was it just me assuming that?
I think a part of the reason I started this blog was because I needed something to change – no, I needed to change. I had lived such a long time behind masks that I didn’t know who I was inside, and in order for me to figure that out, I needed some things to change in my life.
First of all, I needed to be honest and not hide myself away behind layers of masks and lies. I do that here. I am honest and true to myself and I always will be. And surprisingly, when I started being honest here, on this blog, it became easier to be honest out in the real world too. I still struggle with it because people expect to see the mask and not the real me. I can feel myself changing a little and that’s good enough for now. I don’t need or want any great change, I just want to know that I am growing and on my way to figuring out who I really am.
Secondly, I wanted to write. I wanted to grow as a writer. I love the written word, and I always will. Writing is the only thing I do without planning, or without all that noise in my head. When I sit down and write the world becomes quiet and calm. I can’t say if I will ever be a better writer, I am not even sure I have potential, but I do feel that my writing is changing and becoming more true to my own voice, and honestly, that makes me happy.
Thirdly, but this is actually the most important one and should probably have been the first, I want to connect to others – and preferably through my writing.
Perhaps you know where this is going already?
I have no clue how to actually build a website, or at least I didn’t before. I don’t know how to use social media, or how to use wordpress properly, or anything like that. I never had an interest in learning all of these things.
Sure, I use Twitch and Youtube regularly, but I don’t need to know anything to use it. I never used social media, not because I didn’t want to as such, but simply because I don’t have that many friends and I am not good with replying within the neurotypical expected time frame. So, if I ever knew people on social media, they must have given up talking to me that way. Or, they just gave up on me entirely.
I really want to use social media and the last couple of months I’ve been trying Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram. I am still learning, but I’m having a lot of fun doing this. Not everything is fun to learn, however.
With the blog itself, the true heart of my work, I have simply tried my best to make all those things work and continuously prayed nothing bad would happen. Well, not surprising, bad things happen when you don’t have a clue what you’re doing. Okay, I guess bad things happen anyway.
When my website when down for a while, I had no idea why, how to fix it or who to ask. So, I tried everything I could imagine, googled like crazy and asked strangers on the phone questions. In the end, a nice man at the other end of an e-mail fixed my problem and my website was functional again.
What should I have done at that point? If you know what I think I should have done, then you are smarter than I was at the time. I simply ignored that it had ever happened and continued creating and writing. I tried to get more comfortable using social media, which is something that scares me quite a lot because of how quickly other people misunderstand your intentions and make a big deal out of it.
What I should have done was, of course, accept that there was a lot more I needed to learn, even though learning all those things would be very difficult.
It is really difficult, I might add. If anyone ever tells you a blog is not hard work, you should not believe them. It is a lot of hard work when you know nothing to begin with. The more you know, the easier and more enjoyable it becomes. But anyone who ever created a website of some kind must have gone through this difficult process of learning all the practical things and the special vocabulary that we need to learn in order to run a blog or a website – and those of you who did, you must agree that it can be very difficult.
And yes, I did just say vocabulary. I didn’t even know what I needed to learn, and then learning becomes practically impossible.
I finally hit that wall. The wall of endless doom.
I have reached the end of my wits and I cannot write this blog if I continue to ignore the fact that there is a lot of things I don’t know – and a lot more I don’t even know I don’t know.
Not only that, but all the things I don’t know… it’s pretty boring stuff. I spent the last two weeks struggling to learn just enough to continue going just a little bit longer, but it just isn’t enough now. It’s time I get serious or… well, stop blogging.
Obviously, I won’t stop blogging. I am only at the beginning! It’s too late. I can’t stop before I really get to do this properly, not when I already love this work so much that I get happier just thinking about blogging.
I don’t become happy thinking about all the boring stuff I have to learn, but I know it’ll be worth it. It will be, because learning these things means I can make my blog better and hopefully struggle less. It means I have to be serious about my blog and stop using excuses because I am afraid of really trying.
I can’t say for sure if I can learn all that I need to learn, but I have to try. The last two weeks have been so stressful and painful, it can only really get better from now on.
My point is, I am going to do my best to make this blog better over the next couple of weeks, so there might be a few changes happening. If you guys have any ideas as to how I make this blog better, please tell me. I would love to hear all your suggestions and what experience you have with blogging.
I don’t know how much will change yet, but it will be changes you either can’t see or changes that are very visual. The heart and core, my writing and me, won’t change too much. I’ll grow with process, I hope, but nothing drastic. You also won’t ever find things like adds on my website, because I just don’t like that.
I hope those of you who read my blog now will continue to stay with me as I learn more about blogging, code and how to build the best website I possibly can!
Let me know what you think!
