Connecting with others is beautiful and amazing, but for some us, it doesn’t come easy at all.
I never understood how to do that. I always wanted to, and I did everything I could think of to connect with someone – anyone – else. No surprise, but true connection doesn’t exist if you are not being yourself. I wasn’t.
I knew I wasn’t like everyone either, so that freaked me out and I struggled all my life. Then, it happened. A year ago, I had my burnout. I had finally succeeded in really breaking myself. It was either the end for me, or I had to get help. Somehow, I ended up getting help.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s, or Autism Spectrum Disorder, sprinkled with other things like depression, anxiety and OCD. It was less than fun, obviously, and nothing seemed to improve at first.
I had finished my master’s degree, but getting a job is still far from easy. I ended up moving back home, partly because I was broke and partly because everyday life was a worse than ever.
My mother’s house is very secluded in the countryside, which felt good at first.
In time, however, it wasn’t just the house that was secluded. I lost every remnant of my already eroding social network, my anxiety grew as I stayed at home, and my financial situation became worse than ever. All I had was debt, but I had a lot of it. Which really wasn’t too comforting.
Fast-forward to now. This is me and I am not unhappy. Sure, life is hard. I had expected some kind support when I chose to get diagnosed, but oddly enough, there wasn’t much help to get.
It feels an awful lot like everyone forgets that those of us who are born on the spectrum, we don’t stay kids forever like Peter Pan, even if some us would have liked to.
We grow and some us only get diagnosed late life. I was diagnosed at 30, and that doesn’t even feel that late in life for me. I still have a long life ahead of me, and I’m not looking for a miracle cure. I want to learn how live happily in a world that isn’t structured for those of us who are different.
I spent the last year of my life trying to put the broken pieces of myself back together and now I am at a point where I want to live.
Very much so. I do need to figure life out, and that is what this is all about. This blog is me figuring out life, while being on the spectrum. I am probably a bit messed up too and not just because I am on the spectrum.
Also, I have dyslexia, so I understand that writing a blog may not have been the best choice for me to communicate. Writing, however, just makes me feel calm and happy. It’s like all the noise in my head clears away.
This is my life the way I remember it. If you were ever curious about what it’s like to be different, or if you are looking for someone who might understand what it’s like to be different, then this is the right place for you.
