Relax

Since my surgery I’ve not had a lot of time to feel stressed about the aspects of my life that usually stress me. I’ve struggled with the pain, especially when I got frozen shoulder, and with the nausea that comes with all the pain medication I’m taking. Eating has been difficult because of the nausea and sleeping has pretty much only been possible with a bit of morphine.

I can only lie on my back and whenever seated, I never find any rest or comfort.

Obviously, it’s been difficult – not just for me, but also for the people in my life. I’ve been sad a lot and people telling me that things will improve only made me feel worse. Why does the knowledge that things will change make people feel like they’ve done their part and now I just need to get through it?

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Feeling Trapped

I’ve been unemployed for a really long time now. Ever since I graduated with a master’s degree it’s been impossible for me to even get jobs that don’t require you hold a specific degree or any kind of training. I don’t think it’s only because I have autism spectrum disorder, but it definitely doesn’t help the matter.

I’ve been going to this centre, a place they evaluate the skills of people on the spectrum, teach us how to utilize what we can do out there in the ‘real world’ and facilitate jobs for us too. I guess, at first, it was nice to go to a place where people know what autism spectrum disorder actually means and it was great to meet others who were kinda like me.

They aren’t like copies of me, none of us are, but we have some of the same traits and habits. Most importantly, we all understand what it’s like to not fit in; to be different and to be singled out because of it.

My experiences there have been valuable, that’s true, but when I started, I felt they were my one and only chance at a life that I can not just survive, but a life that I can live.

It’s not fair to anyone to put so much pressure on a single thing or person, because it’s not like they are my only chance at a happy life.

It just feels a lot like that right now and it did back then.

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Why I Can’t Do What I Used to Do

As you may know, my life is very different from what it used to be. Sometimes, it feels like I’m remembering someone else’s life and not may own, but at other times, it’s more like my present is not reality and my past is who I really am.

Of course, I know it’s all my life and that I simply changed. I became more myself and in doing so, I shed away my old skin. If I had continued without doing that it would simply have become a burden.

Najwa Zebian, a wonderful poet, expressed it like this:

These mountains that you are carrying,

you were only supposed to climb.’

Her words ring so very true in my heart.

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