The Space Left Behind

We always say that we’ve all experienced loss, even when we haven’t. We say our condolences and express how sorry we are when someone we know has lost a loved one. But what is grief really?


I have lost people before, both friends and family. Most were when I was a lot younger though and I remember how confused I was when I was at funerals as a child. I remember crying when a beloved great grandfather passed away, but I was so young, I was selfishly crying because I’d been told I never see him again.


Grief was beyond my understanding, perhaps I was too young or perhaps too naive. I don’t know. My world view was so different, back before I realised, I wasn’t like everyone else.


Before I had shoulder surgery my grandmother fell and broke her hip. You can read about it and the mistake they did in the post here.


Recently she passed away.

Continue reading The Space Left Behind

Update

Wow. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

My surgery was several weeks ago, but the pain is still quite bad. For a while I thought I was getting a lot better, but once I started taking less painkillers, I quickly realised I had been too optimistic. I went back to the original amount, but it was like the pain just got worse from then. I am now being treated more because of the pain than because of the surgery itself.

I still do my rehabilitation, because I don’t want my shoulder to get too stiff. It’s not easy, but the pain is better than not being able to use my arm properly in the future.

Continue reading Update

August Update

Some of you may have noticed that I didn’t post anything last week. A lot happened and to be honest I might not post a lot the next two weeks either. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I pretty much only have my left hand to write with. My shoulder has been injured for many years, but the last couple of years have been really bad.

The pain has been spreading to my neck and back, it can be difficult to hold things with my right hand because all strength can just suddenly disappear from it and of course it has not made writing any easier.

I love writing though and I will continue, but for the next couple of weeks I won’t be able to use my right arm a lot. In fact I’ll probably just lie in bed taking regular pain medication and wait for my arm to start not hurting. You see, I’m having an operation in my shoulder tomorrow.

Don’t worry, I won’t be doing nothing at all. I write all the time in my head and while I’m in bed over the next couple of days, and also while my arm is healing, I’ll use the time to do a lot of writing in my head and hopefully return to writing really soon.

The posts I’ll be writing the next couple of weeks won’t be very long, nor is the one today you may notice, because writing with one hand will make me tired more quickly. I hope you’ll wait for me to return, because I already miss this blog and I’ve only been gone a few days from it.

I will try and use social media a bit more, because it’s a lot easier typing with one hand on my mobile, even though it’s going to be my left hand… and surprise, right is my dominant hand.

It will be interesting, that’s for sure.

The surgery is not very complicated, and the risk is minimal, but as you might remember, I hate hospitals. Luckily, I just go in early in the morning and I get to go home a few hours later with enough painkillers to knock me out a few days – which I will most definitely need because of my hypersensitivity.

Feeling my body and knowing what pain is normal and what is not is something that can be difficult for me and most of the time I’ll rather just suffer the pain than other people’s comments.

They do a local anaesthetic and after that they’ll put me under in case, they need to saw the bone in my shoulder. I have to admit I’m really happy they decided to do that, because I’d much rather sleep through the whole thing. I think the sound of the sawing might just make me have a meltdown and that would only complicate the situation. I am highly sensitive to sound, so it’s the sound itself, not that they are sawing my bones that freak me out a little.

The surgeon is really nice and understanding about my autism, all the nurses and Med students I’ve met so far are the same. It really helps, in my experience, to just be open about my diagnosis and my challenges.

The last couple of days have been tests and waiting in the hospital, the surgery is also really sudden to me and if the hospital staff had not warned me ahead of time that I might get called in from day to day, I might just have had a meltdown and not been able to handle the pressure. As it was I had a very small panic attack, but it passed and by evening I was certain I could do the surgery. I was, and still am, seriously afraid, but I know the surgery is for the best. I’d rather be afraid and in pain a little, than live the rest of my life with the kind of pain I’ve had these last years.

I’ll keep you updated when I can, I promise.

If nothing else remember to follow and check my social media accounts: Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram.

I’ll post whenever I can.