My Life These Days (2021)

My Life These Days – July

It’s been quite a year, hasn’t it? It’s already summer again and the pandemic is still causing so much pain. Not only that, it seems nature too is creating chaos as global warming starts to affect all of our lives in different ways. The world is filled with strife and suffering.

It’s not all that there is, though. It can be difficult to remember, but we can’t forget that. I do my best to find the beauty and the good things in life every day. In spite of everything, what makes you feel like the world can be an amazing and good place? When you start losing hope in humanity, what can give you back that hope?

I have been struggling to find a way to move on, I have bills to pay every month and I need work and money to do so. I have been really busy sending out applications and doing my best to figure something out, but it has all been rather unsuccessful. I did get an interview, but pretty much everything went wrong and yeah, I didn’t pass the interview. It was completely ridiculous.

When I was handing in my application every single thing that could go wrong… well, it did. In the end I had to hand in the application by hand on the last day (I needed some medical tests and my doctor messed up and I had to go there 3 times before she got it right, so I almost missed the deadline) and when I was printing the application my printer ran out of black. Next day I had to find a library to get it printed, but every printer in every library didn’t work. I ran around for hours in several different places until I found a library where they could fix their printer and help me print it out. I then hurried to the capital (about an hour by train) and when I finally found the place, it was a glass building with a glass elevator. Who even thinks of these evil things?

The stairs were the kind where you can see through the half the steps as well and it was one of the hottest days this summer. And, yes, I had to get to the 9th floor. Oh, did I tell you that I suffer from both claustrophobia and fear of heights? Well, not really fear of heights, it’s more like fear of falling.

I decided the glass elevator was the best choice, since it would be faster than the stairs at least. When I stumbled out of the elevator, I was hyperventilating and sweating like crazy and could hardly walk straight and this guard came over. He looked at me funny and asked what my business was, turned out he was the guard I had been asked to hand my application over to.

I handed him the application and tried to explain I was claustrophobic and afraid of heights, but he just kept looking at me funny and left me.

Then I was just there, alone and all I could do was take a deep breath and return to the elevator and go home.

Later, they asked me to come back for an interview. I was happy but terrified as well. I hate that damn building. So, I decided to go to the beach over the weekend and relax and try not to think about it. You know, I can’t feel my body right? Not like normal people do. I came home sunburned and in so much pain, you wouldn’t believe it. All from sitting in the sun, drinking coffee and looking at the sea. The next day I had blisters on my skin and because it was on my back I didn’t sleep properly until a couple of days after the interview. It hurt too much I woke up several times every night and couldn’t fall asleep.

So, because I got even more worried because of the sunburn and the glass elevator in the glass building, I decided that I had to make a good impression. I got some new clothes for the interview and, because I don’t have any nice shoes, I got a pair of black shoes. I intended to walk in them a few days first to make sure they wouldn’t hurt my feet on the day of the interview.

You know where this is going, right?

I wore the shoes for a little bit going to get tested for covid-19 and I quickly realised they hurt my heels a lot. I thought I just had to bear with it at first, because new shoes hurt, and I didn’t realise how much. So, I walked on gritting my teeth through the pain. When I looked down, my heels were bleeding a lot. I didn’t get blisters or anything like that, no… I somehow managed to get full cuts on both my heels. I have never seen anyone ever get that kind of wound from new shoes. It literally looked like someone had cut both my heels with a kitchen knife. I have no idea how it happened!

So, that was not good. The next day I could tell my wounds were getting infected and a few days later I could barely stand up because of the pain.

On the day of my interview, I pretended to be fine and small talked and made jokes with the other applicants, but I felt like dying. I had to change my clothes because I had to both hide my sunburn and also not be in too much pain because of the fabric against the damaged skin, I had to wear loose, big shoes because my feet hurt like hell and I had to hide several small panic attacks because I had to get in and out of the stupid elevator several times because the interview was a two-part thing, first in the morning and then in the afternoon.

Needless to say, I was very tired the next day.

My life is always like this, but luckily, all I can do now is look back on it and laugh. It was the craziest week in a long time.

I am not surprised I didn’t get it, but I am happy that I tried my best in spite of everything. I hope whoever got it gets to enjoy it and have a great time.

I was actually accepted to an IT course in the autumn and luckily it comes with a small monthly stipend.

It may sound strange, but in part I applied because in my experience people in IT actually wants people like me – people with autism spectrum disorder – to work for them. I can’t help but wonder if it’ll be easier to get a job once I have some IT skills. We’ll see about that.

At least I’ll have an income from august. I’ll continue to look for work as always. If this continues, I’ll end up spending more time looking for work than I ever spend getting my degree.

I will have a bit more time this next month, since I don’t have to go embarrass myself at anymore interviews in the foreseeable future. I’ll do my best to get some more posts up, I have been missing it a lot.

I hope you guys are safe and happy! Take care.

Kai

I graduated my masters in 2017 with a major in Japanese studies and a minor in international relations. Since my graduation I have focused on figuring out who I am, because I was diagnosed with Asperger's (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and it made me rethink my life and allowed me to understand myself better. Because I have always been passionate about writing, I decided to blog about my life in the hope that it can increase autism awareness.

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