Alright, so you now this isn’t going to be a success story. Honestly, I am not sure what exactly I did wrong, but I know I did something really bad because the person I travelled with were fine with me before and then she didn’t want to talk to me soon after.
A lot of people think that people like me on the spectrum are completely oblivious to other people’s feelings. It not entirely true. Sure, we don’t understand social cues. We misunderstand things and may seem like we don’t care about others, but we are not entirely blind to the feelings of others. Even if we miss a lot, sometimes we see it only too well.
One of the worst feelings in the world is when you know someone is upset with you, but you have no idea why. Often, even if you ask, people won’t tell you what you did wrong. It’s like they feel that if we don’t know what we did wrong ourselves, then we don’t deserve to know – because we ought to have known. The fact that we don’t know must be because we don’t care enough.
Well, we care. Of course, we care. The fact that we don’t known doesn’t mean we don’t care; it only means we don’t know. The fact that we want to know what’s wrong means we care. If someone tells me it’s nothing, then I believe it. I understand that people lie and say it’s nothing sometimes, but sometimes it really is nothing. I can’t tell those apart, so I can only believe the other person’s words. What else am I supposed to do when I can’t read minds?
When people act differently from normal, that’s when I know something is wrong. But the problem is, sometimes people act differently for many reasons not related to me. I can’t tell what’s wrong, just that something isn’t the way it usually is. I do my best because I care, but I fail sometimes. We all do.
I was living in a university dormitory in Japan back in 2011. It had been a difficult spring and when the Golden Week holiday came in May, I felt like I needed a break and I wanted to go somewhere and relax. A girl had moved into my dormitory that spring and I thought we had become friends. We hadn’t talked much about anything important, but we had talked a lot at the dorm and got along great. One night during Golden Week we decided to go to Hiroshima together.
I told her I had almost no money, so I could only go on the slow, cheap trains all the way there and she agreed. I thought it would be fun to train hop all the way from Kyoto to Hiroshima, because we would get to see a lot of the countryside and many places we wouldn’t normally get to see going there. She agreed and I thought everything was fine.
We got on a train in the evening the next day without talking about anything really. She was spontaneous, so I had mentally prepared myself to be ready for anything. Turns out, she wasn’t really as spontaneous as I had assumed.
We had only just arrived in Himeji when we realised that we had missed out connecting train and had to wait in the city until morning. I was tired and cold, but otherwise fine. I prefer the city empty, so the lonely streets felt calming to me. Not a lot was open, but we found a bar and sat there until they closed, then we found another. We talked with some of the locals, which was actually fun, even though I was terrified my Japanese wasn’t good enough for me to communicate.
At this point, she – I am going to call her Sporty from now on – was already acting a bit strange. I thought she was just worried about using her Japanese like me, she was a beginner and I could remember how scary the first many conversations were for me. I think, perhaps, she did not enjoy spending the whole night on the streets without any place to go. The thought that something like that could make her upset had never crossed my mind, not at the time, because I thought that if I didn’t have a problem, how could she? I always considered myself weak, especially before my diagnosis, so anything I could do had to be easy to others.
Now, I understand that it’s not always the case. Sometimes, I can do things other people can’t, just like they can do things I cannot.
After the station opened we waited there until the trains started running again and later that day we arrived in Hiroshima and checked into our hostel.
Sporty was acting strange, nothing like her happy usual self and I started getting really worried. I was afraid to say anything that would make it worse – honestly, I should just have asked. I didn’t know her or her expectations and since we were already on the trip, I wanted to make the best of it. I thought perhaps I could make her happy again and everything would be fine.
We didn’t talk much and when things get awkward, I get even more awkward. I say stupid things and panic and talk too much, because I don’t know how to make the other person happy again or even what I did to make them unhappy. So, yeah, it was painful.
We went to see the Atomic Bomb Dome and the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum as well.
The museum was one of the most memorable experiences of my life and I will never forget being mesmerized by some of the objects there, especially a pocket watch which had stopped at the time the bomb hit the city and some of the shadows of victims on pieces of walls. I knew what I was going to see, but I never expected I would feel so deeply. The museum is well structured and the build op very gradual, but strong. By the end, many of the other visitors were crying and I was struggling to hold the tears back myself.
It was strange to go outside again, because outside the museum everything was so very bright and colourful and everyone else seemed happy.
To make sure that I didn’t ruin the experience for Sporty, I had tried to let her be on her own and only occasionally meet up with her in front of an exhibit, talk briefly about it, and then move on myself. My hope was that she would feel better if I wasn’t there.
You remember my last post? I should have talked to her about what was going on in a respectful way instead of just ignoring it and hoping it would get better.
We had Indian food in the evening, and it was the first time the entire trip Sporty seemed a little happy. Nothing to calm the mind than a cold beer and spicy Indian curry and naan.
I spent a lot of time at the hostel alone, because it was too awkward being around her, but I was at a loss as to what I could do to improve the situation.
We also went to Miyajima, a small island outside of Hiroshima.
While there we hiked up a small mountain, which to me was quite a challenge. I was exhausted from all the worrying, all the people and the constant fear Sporty would get really upset and angry with me. Sporty seemed to get better as I got worse, and when I almost couldn’t walk, she offered to carry my backpack. I was so grateful and happy I hardly knew what to do with myself. She seemed happier and walked on alone with me followed further behind her. She climbed rocks and seemed to lose herself in the view.
It was absolutely beautiful. The temple felt so peaceful I almost forgot I didn’t go alone.
We got to the top and eventually made our way down again. I fooled myself into believing that everything was indeed fine and that we were okay. I let my guard down and relaxed a bit, so I was even more surprised later that evening.
Money was still something I didn’t have, so we were taking local trains back home as well. We had agreed to this before, so I never thought it might be a problem. Unfortunately, we didn’t communicate well at all and we didn’t talk about any issues that arose during our trip, so it isn’t really a surprise that we accidentally got on the wrong train. It was the right direction, but it didn’t go all the way to Kyoto. The last stop was a small station in the middle of nowhere.
To me, it became an adventure, but to Sporty it was clearly hell. I knew we had made a mistake, but I had also already accepted that there was nothing to do. We were stuck in that place until morning. We started walking in a random direction until we found a convenience store, bought some food and drink and went back to wait at the station.
Sporty was getting more and more frustrated and in the end bought a ticket to get the bullet train home. It meant she could leave before, because it ran different hours than the local trains. I didn’t have the money, so I had no choice but to stay behind. Sporty claimed it was because if she took the local train, she might be late for classes the next day, but even to someone like me who doesn’t understand social cues and hints, it felt fake. I didn’t say anything and let her go home first and honestly, I was happy to be left behind.
The whole trip had been awkward and stressful, and I still wasn’t sure what I had done that had made her hate me so much. She had even been nice enough to help me carry my backpack, but I was starting to think that maybe she hadn’t done that to be nice or because she forgave me, perhaps I had just been annoying her and too slow.
It was cold even though it was May and I hadn’t brought enough clothes. I ended up trying to sleep in an old fashioned phone booth outside the station, but the sides had been lifted and cold air kept coming in from the opening between the ground and the walls. It was a bit windy and soon I was shaking like crazy.
When the station building opened up I bought my ticket and entered. There were no waiting room, so I ended up going into the toilets. Luckily, I think they had just been cleaned because they were all sparkly and shiny. Of course, maybe I was just too exhausted and cold to notice. Then, I did something I never imagined I’d do or write about. But, I was very cold and tired at the time.
Toilets in Japan are often heated, in case you don’t know, and so I locked myself in one of the stalls and leaning against the toilet to get warm, I fell asleep. I am not sure how long I slept, but when I woke up I could hear people and trains. I opened the door and nearly scared a schoolgirl half to death. She had been standing there doing her makeup and clearly thought she had been alone. I have no idea how long she’d been there either.
I made my way back on the trains, had a hot shower at home and even made it to class. Sporty started avoiding me and every time I saw her, I felt so guilty even though I had no idea what I did wrong. I heard she had disliked the trip, but I was still too afraid to talk to her about it.
Soon after, I didn’t hear from her again. She did have someone else hand me a letter she wrote before she left Japan, but I never understood the significance or why she wrote it. She didn’t tell me what I did wrong and the letter ended up making me feel even worse about myself. The fact that she wrote a letter instead of talking to me face to face felt a bit strange to me as well. Today, I don’t even remember a single word from her letter.
I had no idea who I was travelling with or what her expectations were, so in the end, we were both disappointed by the trip. I think it could have been different. If we had properly talked about things either before or during the trip, it could all have ended up very differently.
Sometimes, we meet people and even though we don’t know them, we are just suited for each other and going on trips will be fun even if we don’t talk about anything before, but that’s not always the case. To people like me travelling is stressful and can be such a challenge even without silly personal drama. Therefore, talk to those you want to travel with and make sure you understand the expectations and hopes that both of you, or all of you, have before going.
To me and Sporty, just deciding what we should eat because problematic because I was scared, she might get angry with me, so I wasn’t open about my own needs. We didn’t make sure we got on the right train, which made everything worse. What I want you to understand from this experience, is that in cases such as this, chances are that things will get worse if you don’t talk about it. Make sure that the person you travel with understands how much not understanding if something is wrong or not is to you, if you like me are affected drastically by it.
It’s okay to take some time out and spend an afternoon in the sun talking about why things aren’t going the way you hoped. Be clear about it if something is affecting you and making you worried and sad. Don’t be worried about whether or not you’ll end up ruining your trip, because when things are so bad you feel like that, isn’t the trip already getting ruined?
My advice is that you should get to know the person you travel with better. If they are sad and awkward, there must be a reason. Why not take this opportunity to get closer instead of pushing each other away?
A journey together, a trip or a holiday with others, is special not just because of what you see and where you go, but because of those you do it with. A great vacation may just be you getting to know someone even better and getting the chance to experience many other holidays and trips together in the future.
Don’t get stuck on making one holiday perfect, make an effort to get to know each other better so that you have a chance to go on many imperfect holidays together in the future.
