Update

Wow. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

My surgery was several weeks ago, but the pain is still quite bad. For a while I thought I was getting a lot better, but once I started taking less painkillers, I quickly realised I had been too optimistic. I went back to the original amount, but it was like the pain just got worse from then. I am now being treated more because of the pain than because of the surgery itself.

I still do my rehabilitation, because I don’t want my shoulder to get too stiff. It’s not easy, but the pain is better than not being able to use my arm properly in the future.

I don’t sleep much these days, because I wake up in the middle of the night in pain and the only thing I can do is wait for enough time to pass so that I can get more pain medication.

Writing is still difficult, but I can write a little on my mobile and I am getting quite good at using my left hand on the mouse. This means, hopefully, that I can get back to blogging more now. I miss writing a lot and just writing these few words make me feel a little happier in spite of the pain.

Not only did the pain get worse, but something else happened which made my life anything but easier. My beloved grandmother passed away. You might remember I wrote a post about her falling and breaking her hip and how they messed up at the hospital (read it here).

Her passing wasn’t a surprise and luckily, I had some time to say my goodbyes. I am so grateful I had that chance; I know that many never get to say goodbye to their loved ones before they disappear.

I was sad for a long time, I am still sad now, but writing about the process has truly helped me let go and feel some of the pain her loss leaves behind. She had such an impact, not only on my life, but on the lives of those around her – especially in her final years when her Alzheimer had stripped away every part of her mind and left her only with a loving, yet unrelenting heart.

I was for a while lost in my old memories, my own physical pain following the surgery and acute feeling of grief that tore through me as dealt with the aftermath of the funeral. I didn’t write or post on social media, but as I started finding my way back, I started posting on social media again.

When I had decided that, pain or no pain, I missed my blog too much not to continue writing in spite of it all – or perhaps it is more accurate to say because of it all – I sat down and wrote about my grandmother and how I got to say my goodbyes. It was through writing about all that I knew I needed to find a way of making it work, even if I have to do everything with only my left hand.

Next week I post what I wrote, but I need to read through it without crying before I am ready to share it with all of you.

I’ve decided to change the day I post on my blog, so from now on I’ll be posting every Tuesday – today being the first of many, many Tuesday postings yet to come.

I’ve not been completely idle, however, as such is not in my nature. I need to keep busy, even when I am grieving and in pain, so I’ve been able to plan and think about the future of this blog quite a lot. I am not, unfortunately, sure that I am any more certain about where I want to go with all this. I have an idea for a new series of posts, though, and I am working on it already. I hope you’ll all enjoy it when I am ready with it, because I am definitely excited about it!

I have a few other posts I want to write and share with you before that, so you might have to wait a few weeks. Besides, this return to blogging is done more because I want to write than because I am well enough to do so, and I am not sure if my condition will allow me to continue writing at the same pace as usually. I will do my very best, though.

I am happy to be back.

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Kai

Life can be a challenge, and it doesn't always matter if you fit in or if you don't. I was diagnosed with ASD as an adult, and it was only after this, that I realised life doesn't have to be that difficult. Now, I write a blog about being different while I try to figure out we find happiness.