Yes, today is my birthday. I’m now 32.
It’s funny, but when I was little, I thought being over 30 was practically being ancient. Now, I still feel like a child, perhaps more so than I did when I actually was a child.
My imagination was as just as it is now, always active. I thought I would have everything sorted when I was 30; I would live in a small house somewhere, with a garden and a dog and a cat. Perhaps I would be married and have children of my own, just like I would have a job I loved and live a life of adventure and excitement.
That didn’t happen. Surprise…
I am unemployed and struggling, but at least I am not ancient and without hope. I am an adult, or I try to be, and I am working towards creating a life I love. This blog is one of those things.
So, you must have noticed not a lot looks like it changed on my blog so far. Everything is happening behind the scenes, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up or even taken a break from this. I am struggling a little for many different reasons, but recently things have started changing. Or, perhaps, I should say that I’ve started changing.
I am starting to feel more confident, even though I honestly don’t really know anything about making a proper website yet. It is a confidence that comes from hard work and persistence, not actual skill, and you know what? I am perfectly okay with that. I know I am doing my best, and even though it may take a while, I will get where I want to get in the end. As long as we don’t stop moving towards our goals, we’ll eventually get there. Okay, maybe we won’t, but wouldn’t it be a shame to quit a few meters from your goal? I don’t want to risk that.
What’s happened so far? Well, sure, not a lot. We already talked about that. I’m learning about websites and blogging and social media, but of course, you can’t tell from your point of view.
A lot happened in my life privately, I might be starting an internship soon and then hopefully that’ll help me get where I want to go. We can’t know for sure yet, but things are settled now, which gives me more time to devote to this blog and my writing. I want to use more time on this, but as a human being I unfortunately need to do boring things like sleep and eat and also relax and not think about work. I say boring things, but that’s not right. I love to sleep and eat and relax and play games on my PC. I need to do everything, which sadly means I sometimes have to prioritise and learning the stuff I don’t want to learn tend to get pushed down behind things I enjoy, like sleeping and video games.
I think, the more confident I get and the more I learn, the less I dislike doing all the practical things of blogging. Blogging is so much more than simply writing, and I am definitely on the path towards finding enjoyment in the things I didn’t think I could ever learn to like.
Basically, this update is just a ‘I’ve not forgotten this blog even though it might look like it’ post.
So, I’ll say it again.
I’ve not forgotten this blog and I’m working hard on improving my skills so that I can make a website that I can be proud of.
My social media has suffered a little over the last month, but don’t worry. I’m going to be more active there again. I’ve been stressed because of the confusion and struggle to find an internship and the fact that I might have to get a job that will most certainly drain me and eventually break me if I don’t find an alternative solution. Because I can’t do an ordinary job, I have hypersensitivities and I struggle socially. I can’t sit in a big office, because the sounds will drive me mad, and this is just one example of many situations that I don’t handle well. My challenges in a workplace makes it difficult to find a job, but unless I want to get early retirement and I don’t, it means I might have to suffer a bad job for a while.
Of course, I’ve had bad jobs before, and yet people often tell me just to pull myself together and do it. They say we all have to have shitty jobs for a while before we can move on to better things, the problem is, that a bad job for a neurotypical might be painful to get through and then they move on. For someone like me, a bad job might be so painful I can never work again.
In any case, I’m feeling more optimistic, not because my situation changed, but because of the growing confidence I mentioned earlier. I feel that my growing confidence can help me get more work done on this blog, so that I can do the parts of the blog that I really love doing.
Oh, and yes, it means I’ll also be more active on social media and also that I might just get around to creating that e-mail newsletter for you. I am definitely looking forward to that. Every day I work on learning what I need to learn and doing what I need to make this website better. Tomorrow, I’ll continue and at some point, you guys will start seeing the changes too.
I’m 32, right? Ancient, but not really. I’ve got a whole year of new knowledge in front of me and a lot of failures behind me, so, let’s end on the silly saying that tomorrow, is the first day of… well. Maybe not. Let’s stick with tomorrow is tomorrow – let’s just take it one day at a time, starting with now.
