Since my surgery I’ve not had a lot of time to feel stressed about the aspects of my life that usually stress me. I’ve struggled with the pain, especially when I got frozen shoulder, and with the nausea that comes with all the pain medication I’m taking. Eating has been difficult because of the nausea and sleeping has pretty much only been possible with a bit of morphine.

I can only lie on my back and whenever seated, I never find any rest or comfort.

Obviously, it’s been difficult – not just for me, but also for the people in my life. I’ve been sad a lot and people telling me that things will improve only made me feel worse. Why does the knowledge that things will change make people feel like they’ve done their part and now I just need to get through it?

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The Space Left Behind

We always say that we’ve all experienced loss, even when we haven’t. We say our condolences and express how sorry we are when someone we know has lost a loved one. But what is grief really?

I have lost people before, both friends and family. Most were when I was a lot younger though and I remember how confused I was when I was at funerals as a child. I remember crying when a beloved great grandfather passed away, but I was so young, I was selfishly crying because I’d been told I never see him again.

Grief was beyond my understanding, perhaps I was too young or perhaps too naive. I don’t know. My world view was so different, back before I realised, I wasn’t like everyone else.

Before I had shoulder surgery my grandmother fell and broke her hip. You can read about it and the mistake they did in the post here.

Recently she passed away.

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Why I Can’t Do What I Used to Do

As you may know, my life is very different from what it used to be. Sometimes, it feels like I’m remembering someone else’s life and not may own, but at other times, it’s more like my present is not reality and my past is who I really am.

Of course, I know it’s all my life and that I simply changed. I became more myself and in doing so, I shed away my old skin. If I had continued without doing that it would simply have become a burden.

Najwa Zebian, a wonderful poet, expressed it like this:

These mountains that you are carrying,

you were only supposed to climb.’

Her words ring so very true in my heart.

Continue reading Why I Can’t Do What I Used to Do