My Life These Days (2022)

My Life These Days

So, it’s been quite a year. A lot happened in my life, just like I’m sure a lot must have happened in yours too?

I didn’t post a lot last autumn because I had to go back to school for a while. I assumed I would have more time, but honestly, I struggled a lot. It wasn’t because school was difficult or challenging, because it really wasn’t. No, it was pretty much everything else.

I had to create new routines, meet a lot of new people, learn how to interact with all these new people, get used to commuting on new trains and buses and such things. It was horrible.

Never will I understand how my school even functions in the long run, because it hardly functioned in my day-to-day experience. It felt like all the teachers not-so-secretly disliked each other, they always disagreed on everything and never followed the same rules. What was true one day, might be a fatal flaw the next. It was like navigating through a minefield – even more so than usual for me. All social interaction is like a minefield, in some ways, but this was truly stressful and had me balancing on my breaking point every single day.

They had odd rules, like even if the teacher was home sick for the day and there was no other substitute teacher available, we had to sit in the classroom and wait for the day to pass. They offered no assignments or anything, but merely claimed the rules said that if we wanted to complete the course, we had to sit in our seats all day. Those days were the worst, because we had nothing to do, and everyone was being noisy, and I felt like I was going crazy.

This is really only the top of the iceberg, as people say, because it was possibly the worst possible situation for someone like me. There was no structure and no guidelines – not even our final exam. The printout was apparently a misprint of an old exam, and we didn’t need to do the assignment but could pretty much decide on our own what to do. The teacher in charge honestly said this more than anything: “Just do whatever you like, it doesn’t really matter.”

If it doesn’t matter, then why the actual hell am I even doing it?

Well, even if school was horrible, I was able to learn on my own outside of school and lucky enough to get a really amazing apprenticeship. I started work a few months back and I love it.

My boss and his boss are both amazing, nice and understanding, and my colleagues are pretty great too. Very helpful and accepting of someone like me. I am pretty damn sure I am not the only one on the spectrum in my department and that feels really comforting. Like, it’s a place where work skill is far more important than small talk, but that doesn’t mean small talk isn’t important – it’s just not the most important thing and people don’t seem to mind that I’m really bad at small talk.

It was a strange change, going from frustration and navigating a possible meltdown, to this wonderful place of happiness. I never thought for even a moment that I deserved to be so happy and yeah, these last months have been me waiting for something bad to happen. It didn’t – isn’t that odd?

Well. I did get covid-19 and even though I have been double vaccinated, I have never been so sick in my life. Luckily, I got through it and only have to live with the late symptoms now. My mother got really sick too, but she is fine as well.

I was able to work from home, but really, I doubt they missed me much. I am still pretty useless at work. That’ll change soon, though. I am going back to school for a few weeks, to a different campus, new classmates and new teachers. That’s the way this apprenticeship works. I work at a company and go back to school once in a while to learn some more, then I return to work for at least half a year.

I’m a bit worried about going back to school, but hey, at least I have a job I love. It’s worth it, even if I have to struggle a few weeks every year. In four years it’ll be over, I will do a final project and then finish my apprenticeship.

Hopefully, I will be able to create a new routine to help me through the hard times – and make sure the good times last longer – but it takes a while to get used to new things. One thing is certain, my future is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and even though I am really afraid, I am also definitely excited about what might happen.

Kai

I graduated my masters in 2017 with a major in Japanese studies and a minor in international relations. Since my graduation I have focused on figuring out who I am, because I was diagnosed with Asperger's (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and it made me rethink my life and allowed me to understand myself better. Because I have always been passionate about writing, I decided to blog about my life in the hope that it can increase autism awareness.