So, it finally happened. I got officially accepted by the vocational school and even though money will be tight the first couple of weeks, once I start my training, I’ll get paid for the first time in many, many years. Still, I’ll only be training, so it won’t make me rich or anything, but who cares about that? Pay is pay.
I graduated in January 2017 and I have been unemployed ever since. School start in January 2021, so it’ll literally be exactly 4 years. I wanted to get a job related to my field of study originally, but after 2 years, I simply wanted a job – I didn’t care what kind it was as long as I could survive it. I don’t know why it’s been so difficult, and I don’t think people really understand just how stressful and painful unemployment is – even when you are as privileged and lucky as I have been. It was 4 years of constant “no”, and no matter how many times people said “no”, I still had to go out and try again the next day.
Even now, with my official acceptance letter in my hands (well, in my hands digitally at least) I still don’t believe it. I feel certain something will happen that ruins it all, like it almost got ruined several times this last month alone. So many of my broken hopes and dreams already lie behind me, how can I truly believe in this?
I can stop believing, though. Believing that I would make it through all this is what got me this far in the first place.
So, are you curious? Do you want to know what I’ll be doing?
I’m going to culinary school.
Yeah, it is quite the change from my university degree, a master’s in Japanese Studies. I wasn’t a language student, but majored in society, culture, history and politics. That kind of stuff. I did study Japanese, but it was mainly something I learned outside of university since I hardly had any language courses at all. I love Japan and I always will. I never felt at home like I do in Japan. Letting go of all those years of studying, all the hard work, the tears and struggling to get through my degree, well, it wasn’t easy. I felt like starting over meant that none of all that came before even mattered.
My life had been wasted and I’m already 33 years old.
Then again, 33 years old means I have more than 30 years of work ahead of me before I can retire. If I had just a single day before I could retire, I would make the same choice though. I want to be happy for as long as I get to be.
My life wasn’t wasted, I spent my time getting to know myself and figuring out what I love in life. If I had started culinary school 10 years ago, it would not make me happy in the way it makes me happy now. I loved my time in Japan and one day I’ll return. I don’t know how or when, but I know that I want to go back and live there for years. But I also want to do work that makes me happy. I get to do that now – in just a few weeks. If I am lucky, doing something I love brings me back to the country I love one day, but I am honestly grateful just getting to do what makes me happy.
So, you see, life isn’t wasted. Nothing is lost. We grow and change. What made us happy once may not make us happy now, what we like today may change tomorrow. What we think will make us happy may not be what we need at all.
For the first time in my life, I am okay with that.
